


Out of the Blue (Blueshift)

by mylittlecthulhu (marineko)



Series: Red Shift [18]
Category: Arashi (Band), Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-05 17:08:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15867996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marineko/pseuds/mylittlecthulhu
Summary: Blue Shift: The displacement of the spectrum to shorter wavelengths in the light coming from distant celestial objects moving toward the observer.





	1. Prologue: Maybe You Would've Been Something I'd Be Good At

**SHO**

Sho stopped in front of the door, unable to bring himself to step forwards. Beyond that door was RedShift, the band that had turned his carefully planned life upside down. Beyond that door was the band whose activities he had been following for years. Beyond that door was Aiba.

He wondered if Aiba might prefer it if he quit working with RedShift. He had certainly done more than enough for the band. He knew that many questioned his enthusiasm for RedShift; they were good, but this was Tokyo. You couldn’t throw a stick in this city without it hitting a musician, and a lot of them were as good. Some were even better. So why RedShift, Yamanaka-san had asked him, once, on a rare occasion when they had gone out drinking together. He couldn’t say anything, except _“they’ve had a big impact on me; I wouldn’t be where I am without them.”_

He knew that Yamanaka-san hadn’t quite believed him, but it didn’t matter. The producer believed in RedShift’s potential, and that was enough. The new single, the band’s debut, (if one didn’t count the self-produced EP from their indie days) did very well. There were certainly a buzz throughout the industry about RedShift at the moment, one that grew even louder when word got out that Sakurai Sho arranged the music and was one of the vocalists. It had been something he and Yamanaka-san decided on, not to make it a big announcement. They never hid the fact that RedShift was his project, but they never advertised it, either. They didn’t want anyone to think that it was a gimmick, that RedShift couldn’t stand on its own without him. They didn’t want anyone to think that RedShift was “Sakurai Sho’s band.” Fans knew about it, of course, what with the interviews and appearances they’ve had, but it took awhile for others to catch up on. 

RedShift was doing well, and he knew that they would continue to do well. Probably would do so, with or without him.

So why was he still there?

“Sho.”

He jumped a little upon hearing the voice. “Nino,” he said, letting out a long breath, before facing his best friend. “I thought you’re already inside.”

“I thought you’re already inside, too. What were you doing, standing outside the door like that? You looked like a kid afraid to go into the classroom because he didn’t finish his homework.”

Sho made a face at that, but was relieved by the normalcy of Nino. Either Nino didn’t know about the breakup, or Nino was pretending that things hadn’t changed. It didn’t matter. Sho was glad. “I was thinking.”

“Of what?”

“Of how maybe this band really doesn’t need me anymore.”

Nino snorted. “We never really _needed_ you, Sho. Even if the thing with Voyager didn’t pan out, I’m sure there would be other options. But that’s not the point, is it? The point is, you’re one of us. It doesn’t matter that you’re some famous pop star; once you step into that room, you’re RedShift. You’ve been part of us a lot longer than anything else you’re doing right now.”

Sho was touched. He had never quite got over the fact that he had once lost not just Aiba, but also Nino, and he was glad that this time he at least still had his best friend. His eyes were suspiciously bright as he gave Nino a wobbly smile and said, “thank you.”

Nino narrowed his eyes at Sho for a moment, muttering, “you’re weird.” He pushed Sho forward, making the pop star stumble into the studio. Three pairs of eyes looked up at him; one immediately looked away as they met his. 

“Found this guy standing around like an idiot outside,” Nino announced loudly, causing Sho to wince. 

Yamanaka-san’s voice came through to them from the sound room. He sounded annoyed, but the crackly quality the sound system gave his voice made it hard to take him too seriously. “Both of you are late. Let’s start right away.”

“Yes, mom,” Sho and Nino chorused, pausing to grin at each other before heading towards their instruments. 

Sho took care not to look at Aiba or Jun the whole day.

})i({

**AIBA**

Aiba watched Sho, out of the corner of his eye. He looked a little paler, a little thin, perhaps even sickly. Since it had only been a few days since they had last met (Sho had called in the day after their breakup, saying that he had ‘food poisoning’) it worried him more that he thought it should. Was Sho eating properly? He knew better than most how busy Sho was. Sho was careful not to skip meals when Aiba was around to remind him, but now he wondered if anyone was taking care of Sho.

 _He has An-chan_ , Aiba reminded himself. _She’s the kind of personal assistant that most people only dream about; she’ll take care of him._ Still, he worried.

In the few days after he walked out on Sho, he had had time to think about the things they’ve said, and about his decision. He probably would still make the same decision if anyone asked him now (although he might have tried to do it in a nicer way, and perhaps get Sho to promise to take proper meals first) but it didn’t stop him from pausing every now and then, and wonder _what if_.

Their relationship seemed to be an endless parade of awful timing and misunderstandings, and it made him think that perhaps letting go would be for the best. Sho still had a chance to do what he wanted, instead of being tied to Aiba, and Aiba’s dreams, for the rest of his life. He was pretty sure that Sho had never even thought of becoming a musician before meeting him.

No, he didn’t regret his decision at all. The only problem was sometimes, he wondered. Perhaps he really would have been good for Sho. Perhaps Sho had been, or would be, good for him.

Now, he would never know.

})i({

**NINO**

There was definitely something weird going on that day, and it annoyed Nino that no one was talking. As if he didn’t have problems of his own; now he had to be stuck in whatever shit Aiba and Sho had gotten themselves in.

His brows furrowed as he concentrated on a particularly difficult rift. Whatever it was that was going on, it must be bad, because he knew what the band meant to Sho. To even consider dropping out of RedShift... Nino wondered what could have prompted it.

Sho was wrong about one thing, though. RedShift did need him, perhaps more than they used to. They only had one single out under Voyager so far, and were working on their second, but that first single had done better than any of them (except maybe Yamanaka-san) expected. Nino didn’t think he would have known what to do with the fact that he was suddenly no longer the guy from a band that had been around forever and living on two part-time jobs, and was now the guy from a band that was poised to be the next big thing. But Sho had been there, and his presence reassured Nino that it was going to be okay. 

And then there was the fact that they wouldn’t have had the response they did if it wasn’t for Sho. Nino knew his own capabilities; he knew that he was good. His songs were unique, and while they may not catch everyone’s attention at first they grew on people. Jun’s lyrics had a certain charm to them, that makes simple phrases seem like they mean so much more. They were good at what they did, and if they went on as usual, they would have a following among those who were into that kind of music. But with Sho’s arrangements of the music, they were reaching out to a wider audience, so Nino understood that it was at least partly with Sho’s help that RedShift had what they had now. 

When Jun made a mistake, Nino immediately looked at Sho. Sho had been particularly tough on Jun since RedShift joined Voyager. It annoyed Jun, but Nino had a feeling that the vocalist was starting to develop a deep respect for Sho. Nino knew that Sho was worried because Yamanaka-san originally wanted Jun out of the band; Sho was doing all that he could to keep RedShift as it was.

To his surprise, this time Sho didn’t say a thing. Nino stared at Sho, before looking at Jun, who had a bewildered expression that probably matched Nino’s. In the end, it was Ohno who spoke up, telling them that they had to do that take again, and telling Jun not to be so tense. It made Nino look at Jun again, and he realised that Ohno was right. The vocalist had been kind of jumpy that morning. And Sho was blatantly ignoring both him, and Aiba. He turned to Aiba, who was watching Sho with an expression that Nino couldn’t even begin to describe. Aiba soon noticed Nino looking, though, upon which he reddened, and ducked his head, as if he was caught doing something bad.

 _Don’t tell me..._ Nino felt a headache coming on as he connected the dots.

})i({

**JUN**

Jun didn’t know what was going on.

He had called Sho up when Sho was sick. Sho had been perfectly nice to him, but it sounded forced. It made him think of the last actual conversation he had had with Sho.

_Was Aiba happy?_

Jun had told Sho that Aiba was, but the truth was he had no way of knowing. Aiba seemed happy enough, back then, but it was nothing compared to the way he had seen Aiba behave since he got together with Sho. He wondered if Aiba really used to be that happy, once. If so, he didn’t know if he could say that Aiba had ever been truly happy when they were together.

Even though it was long ago, the realisation hurt. He was over Aiba. He had told himself that so many times, and he really believed that it was true. But lately he had been spending a lot of time with the bassist, and sometimes he would feel - not what he had felt before, not exactly, but a kind of slightly sad, nostalgic “what if” feeling, one with a question mark at the end. If he had persisted, would Aiba have eventually fallen for him? Would they have been great together, the way he once believed they would be?

He understood now that Aiba would probably never be as happy as he was with Sho, but it didn’t stop him from wondering.

He had resented Sho at first, seeing the idol as an intruder into the band he had come to think of as his family. But after finding out Sho and Aiba’s history, and the fact that Sho was really one of the first members of RedShift, he realised that to Sho, _he_ was probably the intruder. He was glad that Sho didn’t seem to see things that way. After working with Sho, his newfound tolerance of the idol gave way to a grudging respect. By now he was starting to really look up to Sho, and the fact that Sho seemed to be avoiding him filled him with unease.

He even made a mistake on purpose, an attempt to force Sho’s attention on him, but the other vocalist just ignored it. In the end it was Ohno who spoke up, and the encouragement in the drummer’s voice warmed him up slightly, even though the fact that Sho was possibly mad at him for reasons unknown was making him feel small.

})i({

**OHNO**

Everyone but Nino was being weird that day. Nino didn't even count - sometimes Ohno thought that weirdness was a prerequisite to being Nino, and that it was just that he had gotten used to it to the point where it was no longer weird. He didn’t think too much of it, though; he was pretty sure that Nino would fill him in when they went out for dinner later. Aiba and Sho were going through some things, obviously, but it wasn’t something that he would get involved in. It was Jun that he was worried about.

The vocalist had been spending too much time with Aiba lately. Ohno worried that Jun might be falling for Aiba again. Since Jun’s behaviour was getting more and more erratic as time went by, Ohno had hoped that Jun would one day settle down again. He had never seen it, but Nino told him that Jun used to be different, when things were still good with Aiba. But if it was Aiba... Ohno remembered the Jun he had first met, a regular customer where he had been a bartender. He didn’t want Jun to ever be that way again.

Halfway through the song, Yamanaka-san interrupted them, announcing that their single had went two spots up the Oricon charts. The fact that it was in the top twenty alone was overwhelming. Now that it was actually _climbing_ the charts, Ohno felt a strange, uneasy feeling sinking in. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t want RedShift to do well. But he worried about how the band would survive, if they became big before they even begin to get a grip on what was happening to them, and how it would effect the strange rifts and tensions in their relationships at the moment. 

He looked up, and saw that Nino was looking at him. His thoughts seemed to mirror itself in Nino’s face, and he gave a small shrug, as if to say that the only thing they could do was to try to keep themselves grounded throughout everything. Nino glanced at Sho, and Ohno thought that a small smile of relief flickered through the songwriter before he nodded, almost imperceptibly, at Ohno.

The task of keeping the band together, no matter what, would fall to them.


	2. One: Even Though I'm Not His Minder

Nino waited for Aiba outside the studio. It was unusual for Aiba to be the last one out, and he was starting to get irritated. By the time the bassist finally appeared Nino was scowling at him.

Aiba just blinked at his best friend in surprise. “Nino, what are you doing here?”

“What did you do to Sho?”

Keeping a neutral expression, Aiba asked, “what makes you think it was me who did something to him?”

“Because if it was him, you’d be making a fuss and insisting that he stop working with RedShift.”

Aiba was silenced by Nino’s remarks. Looking down, he waited a couple of minutes to pass before saying, “that’s not fair.”

Nino sighed. “You do realise that Sho loves you.”

“Maybe the problem is me, not him.” Nino frowned upon hearing Aiba’s words, but before he could respond, the bassist started to walk away. “I’ll be back late tonight,” he said.

})i({

“Sho. Sho-kun, wait up.”

Sho stopped in his tracks, waiting for Jun to catch up. “What is it?” he asked, looking away, as if distracted.

“Are you mad at me? Because if you are, I’d like to know why.”

Surprised, Sho finally turned to Jun, who had a nervous expression on his face. He forced a smile, and said, “I’m not mad at you. I just have other things on my mind right now.”

“Really?” Jun broke into a relieved smile. “Then, if you’re not busy, do you want to grab a bite to eat? But I guess maybe you’ve already got plans with Aiba...” he faltered when Sho’s smile disappeared.

“I have things to discuss with Yamanaka-san, actually. Why don’t you ask Aiba?”

})i({

More bewildered than ever with Sho’s behaviour, Jun sought Aiba out. He found the bassist near the row of vending machines lined up in the back street of the building. He had a feeling that Aiba would be there; it was one of the places Aiba usually went to when he was avoiding the rest of them.

Finding Aiba didn’t surprise him. 

Finding Aiba squatting down, squeezed between two vending machines that were further apart than the others, with his head bent down and his hands covering it, though, was a different matter.

“Aiba-chan?” Then, since Aiba stilled but didn’t look up, “Masaki?”

“Go away, Jun,” came Aiba’s muffled reply. “Leave me alone.”

“Are you okay?” Ignoring Aiba’s words, Jun stepped closer, kneeling in front of the bassist and touched Aiba lightly. Aiba flinched, but didn’t jerk away. Jun brushed aside his hands and brought his face up, revealing wide, watery eyes. He wasn’t crying, though - only nearly there. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing that’s your business.”

“Masaki.”

“I said leave me alone.”

“I was looking for you,” Jun said, pulling his hands away, “to ask if you’d join me for dinner.” Aiba didn’t look like the idea appealed to him, but he did look a little sorry for telling Jun to leave. Taking it as a positive sign, Jun stood up, and held out his hand. “I need the company. Please?”

The bassist hesitated for a moment, but gave in in the end, taking Jun’s hand and letting himself be pulled up. They walked, Jun guiding him as they stepped out into the main street and wove through the crowd. When Jun paused at a restaurant, though, Aiba balked. “Can we just walk?” 

“But -” Jun looked at Aiba, unable to guess at his thoughts. “Okay.”

})i({

It took about half-an-hour of wandering around aimlessly before he felt Aiba’s fingers slowly reaching out, circling his wrist. “What is it?” They had circled back to where they had started, the hidden pathway behind the Voyager building. “We’ll go to the green room if you want to talk...” he started to say, but Aiba’s hold tightened. A wave of irritation hit him, together with new worry.

“Jun, do you remember when you said you’ll wait, no matter what?”

He hadn’t thought of his promise in a long time, but how could he forget? It haunted him, every time he came home alone and exhausted and seeing nothing but empty space in his apartment. It was like his life had been suspended, with no clue as to where it would go next, since that moment. “Of course,” he said, drawing out the words as slowly as he could. Was something wrong between Aiba and Sho? Was that why both of them were acting so strangely? “Look, whatever happened between you, I’m sure that Sho will -”

Letting go of his wrist, Aiba’s hand moved to slip into his, making his intentions clearer. If the gesture were sounded out, it would have been made in volumes, as far as Jun was concerned. It didn’t clear up his confusion at all.

“I need to forget about Sho,” Aiba said. His voice barely audible, but the guilt he was feeling, about pushing this on Jun, when he knew (and knew that Jun knew) that he was only using the vocalist, was loud enough.

Jun sighed. Took his hands gently away from Aiba, wanting to protest at first, but ending up circling his arms around the bassist instead.

It didn’t matter in the end, he realised. No matter what Aiba did or was doing, no matter how much he didn’t want to get in between the two, no matter how there was another part of him, one that he still couldn’t make himself listen to, was telling him that he couldn’t... it didn’t matter in the end.

Aiba needed him. That was all that mattered.

})i({

“Are you sure you’re doing the right thing?”

Sho didn’t answer at first, studying the bottom of his empty glass. Nino was holding on to the flask, refusing to refill it. “I’m not doing anything.”

“And you’re really okay with that. You’re not going to fight for him or anything.” Nino sounded incredulous.

“Nino...” Sho placed the glass back down, ran his fingers through his hair. He needed a haircut, he thought absently, knowing that he wasn’t going to do anything about it until he absolutely had to. “It’s not my decision to make. He wasn’t happy.”

“Did he tell you that?”

Sho frowned. With the way things were starting to get fuzzy in his head, and Nino’s repeated questions, he was starting to get confused. “Not exactly.” When Nino was about to retort, he quickly added, “but he wouldn’t have done what he did if he was, would he?”

Nino didn’t have an answer to that. He looked heavenward, and then proclaimed his thoughts on the whole situation. “Both of you are complete and utter idiots.”

Sho snorted, but couldn’t disagree. He knew that it was dumb, and it didn’t make sense. Nothing made sense in a world where he could feel so much for someone else and have it not matter at all, in the end. He knew what he should do, but. There was always a but. “I’m not the same person anymore, Nino,” he said, as Nino finally gave in and poured him another drink. “I’m not the guy he fell in love with.” _And I don’t think he cares for the person I am now._

“Maybe that’s a good thing,” Nino said quietly. Sho looked up at him in surprise, as he explained, “since that guy was an asshole who broke his heart.”

})i({

He loved Aiba dearly, and even though he would never admit it out loud, he had missed Sho like hell during all those years of no contact between them. He knew that he was Sho’s first real friend, but Sho was that to him, too. Aiba didn’t count; he had grown up with Aiba, and they were more like brothers than anything else. He didn’t have to think or worry about whether or not Aiba liked him. He was a big part of Aiba’s life, just as Aiba was a big part of his. But when it came to other people, Nino was never really good at keeping friends. He wasn’t shy, the way Jun or Ohno could get with strangers. He didn’t have any weird complexes that kept him from befriending people. He wasn’t even particularly unfriendly, even if he did have somewhat of a poisonous tongue, although he had mellowed out considerably as he grew older. It was just that he was used to doing his own thing, and he didn’t care if no one else was interested. He had Aiba; that was more than enough.

And then Sho came along and changed everything. All of a sudden, he had a friend who wasn’t Aiba. Someone that he got along with easily - a fact that took him by surprise, considering their differences. Someone who understood the quiet desperation he had grown up with, the desire to do something, _anything_ , with his life. Sho was his first friend - the first person who didn’t _have_ like him unconditionally, but did anyway. So, yes. He had missed Sho, probably almost as much as Aiba did.

At the moment, though, they made him want to tear his hair out in frustration. He would have given anything to have what they had, and there they were, making things more complicated than they were and making themselves miserable. “Love is stupid and makes everyone acts like idiots,” he muttered, bending down to rummage for the keys he had thrown into his bag that morning. 

“Is that your answer, then?” an amused voice asked. Nino’s fingers stilled, and he looked up.

“Ryuta.” He blinked at the vocalist, not believing his eyes. “You’re back.”

“The rest of the band will only be flying back tomorrow, but I decided to cut the trip short.” Ryuta’s band, Cloud Chorus, was supposed to be on tour. Nino had been trying not to think of Ryuta while he was gone, and had completely forgotten that that day was the last. “You didn’t use the tickets I sent you,” Ryuta said, accusingly.

“I’m sorry. I was really busy.” It was true. He had forwarded the tickets to his sister, though, and she had enjoyed the concert immensely.

“Well, aren’t you going to invite me in?”

“My keys...” Nino bent down again, but this time he managed to get his keys on the first try. “Uhm, Ryuta...”

“Hmm?”

Nino thought about Sho and Aiba again. He was still confused about his own relationship with Ryuta, and didn’t know where they were heading, or how serious they were. But, he supposed, instead of dwelling on those thoughts, he could settle with the things he _did_ know. “Nothing,” he said, allowing his the feelings that were starting to overflow show in his smile. “I’m just really glad that you’re back.”

})i({

Ohno paused when he heard the turn of the key. He was doodling in his room, trying to clear his thoughts and trying to find an idea at the same time. Upon finding out that he studied art (only briefly), Yamanaka-san had asked if he was interested in working on the cover of their next single. Ohno thought that a professional would have done a better job, but the producer said that it would go well with the fans, to know that it was made by one of the members. Since he didn’t really care either way, he had said yes.

It gave him something to do while trying not to glance at the clock on his desk every few minutes, wondering where Jun was and when he was coming back. Not that Ohno ever let Jun know the extent of his worry. Most of the time he’d just be relieved and get ready for bed when he heard Jun come in. As far as Jun was concerned, he’d been asleep the whole time.

Hearing the soft voices as the front door opened, though, Ohno tensed. Jun knew that Ohno didn’t like it when he brought his - Ohno couldn’t think of any charitable way to think of the pretty, useless things Jun slept with - home, so he very rarely did so. He wondered whether he should let Jun know that he was up, when he heard a low, very recognisable, laugh.

 _Oh, Jun_ , he thought, but even as his face remained calm a sort of hysterical laughter was bubbling up to the surface. He swallowed, pushed it away. _Jun, you idiot._

He had stopped thinking by the time he stood up, and yanked his bedroom door open to stare. It was a familiar scene. Jun took care to keep his private life private, but the once or twice Ohno had walked into Jun’s less cautious moments had been more than enough. This was just another moment to chalk up, except that this time it was Aiba who was clinging to the vocalist. Both of them seemed inebriated, and Jun barely spared Ohno a glance as he ushered Aiba into his room.

When the door closed, Ohno kept on staring at the same spot. It took awhile for the sound of the closing door to sink in, and awhile longer for him to turn his gaze to it. Then he closed his eyes, and wished he could lose all his senses even if for just one moment, as the dull pain that had crawled into him and settled in his chest since one of their earlier photo shoots began to spread. 

If what he had seen was real, it could be the end of the band.

He wondered if he was aching for Jun, or for RedShift.


	3. Two: I Wouldn't Like Me, If I Met Me

They only had to be in the studio by noon that day, but Ohno still had to go home first. He figured that he had enough time to sneak back in, try to sleep for an hour or two, and get ready to leave again. Hopefully without bumping into either Jun or Aiba.

Jun was already up, though, when he came in. The vocalist was pouring himself some coffee; he set his mug down as Ohno walked in. They took a long look at each other. Neither knew quite what to say. Neither knew if they were quite the same person they thought they were. Strangely, it was Ohno who broke the silence.

“Is Aiba still here?”

He caught the flash of - something - in Jun’s eyes, before Jun looked away. “It’s not what you think,” Jun said, his voice scratchy and raw. He cleared his throat. “It’s not,” he said again, clearer, but unable to get the rest of his words out.

Ohno made a humming sound, not sure whether or not he believed Jun. 

“Where did you go last night?”

He couldn’t stand to be in the house, so he had left. Stayed over at a friend’s place, where he had spent the whole night staring at the ceiling. He shrugged. It wasn’t any of Jun’s business, anyway. 

“I was worried when I went to your room to talk, and you weren’t there. You should have said you were leaving.”

Ohno didn’t say anything, still looking at Jun with a slightly accusing stare. Jun hated it, hated the sinking feeling he had because of it. Ohno had always been on his side. Always. Within RedShift, where Nino and Aiba and Sho’s lives were so entangled, Ohno was the one that Jun felt he knew better than the rest of them. The one that would always be there for him. Until now.

Ohno hated him. It was all his fault.

“Aiba just needed... he needs someone right now. Nino’s mad at him. I don’t know what’s going on with Sho. I told him he could stay here. But, Oh-chan -”

Ohno flinched, hearing the nickname. “You don’t get to call me that,” he said. “You don’t get to - to do _this_ , and then talk to me like nothing happened.” He didn’t know why he was so angry, he was trembling with it. It wasn’t as if Jun hadn’t done anything like this before.

Except that this time, it was Aiba.

Jun’s eyes widened, and he took a small step back. “I’m sorry,” he said, softly at first, and then louder. “I’m sorry. But nothing happened last night.”

“I’m not sure I believe you.”

“Are you listening to me at all? I’m saying that _nothing happened_. Aiba just needed someone, and -”

“It didn’t have to be you. Jun, you’re not his boyfriend.” _Not anymore._

“Well, neither are you mine, so why do you care so much anyway?” 

“I -” Ohno bit his lips. He didn’t know. “RedShift -”

“It’s not Jun’s fault.”

The two of them turned to look at Aiba, who had woken up from the noise they were making. He looked awful. He wore a strange expression, a combination of guilt and shame and exhaustion and something else that Ohno couldn’t place. And it was as if he had shrunk overnight, he was so skinny. Maybe he just hadn’t been looking, Ohno thought. He had been too busy worrying over Jun the last few weeks that he hadn’t noticed how much Aiba had changed. He glanced at Jun, troubled, and as if he knew exactly what Ohno was thinking, Jun walked towards the fridge to look for anything he could use for breakfast. 

“I’m sorry for intruding,” Aiba was mumbling.

“Sit down,” Ohno said, feeling a little dazed. He didn’t know why he had been so mad at Jun before, and yet couldn’t dredge up the same feelings towards Aiba. “Talk.”

Aiba sat on one of the stools near the kitchen counter, watching as Jun prepared something to eat. He didn’t look at Ohno. “I broke up with Sho,” he said.

Both Jun and Ohno looked at him then, startled. They had guessed that something wasn’t right, but not that it had gone that far. Ohno saw the hesitance and indecision in Jun, and realised what Aiba’s words meant. 

“Are you in love with Jun?” he asked, steeling himself against the way Aiba looked at him in that kicked puppy way of his, and the aghast way Jun was saying his name behind him. Aiba opened his mouth, as if to speak, then closed it again, not knowing what to say. 

“You don’t have to answer that,” Jun spoke up. To Ohno, he hissed, “what the hell’s the matter with you?”

Ignoring Jun, Ohno continued, “because if you’re not, then please stop - whatever you’re doing. I’m sorry things didn’t go well with Sho; I thought that... never mind. I’m really sorry. But please stop pulling Jun into this.”

“I -” Aiba couldn’t think of a reply. Before he even realised that he was doing it, he looked to Jun for help.

“It’s none of your business, Ohno.”

He was the one who had taken offense at Jun’s casual way of calling him, but somehow the way Jun was reverting back to his surname stung. “It is my business,” he said quietly. “What you do affects the band, so it’s my business.”

“Then we’ll keep it out -”

“And the last time, I was the one who cleaned up the mess that you were after your break-up, so it’s my business.”

“I never _asked_ you to -”

“Jun,” Aiba interrupted, sounding pained. “Oh-chan’s right. I shouldn’t have brought you into this. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.” He stood up. “I should go home.”

“You should at least eat first...” Jun said, remembering that they hadn’t had dinner the night before - unless one counted the snacks they had with their drinks, which he didn’t. 

“No, it’s okay. I’ll grab something on my way home. I need to wash up and get changed before heading to the studio, anyway.”

“I’ll go with you.” Aiba looked at Ohno in confusion, as the drummer shrugged. “Wait; I’ll get my things and I’ll go with you.”

})i({

The two of them walked in silence. As they neared the train station, Aiba asked in a small voice, “do you hate me?”

Ohno sighed. “No, I don’t. I do think you’re being selfish, though.”

“I don’t mean to be.”

“I know. You just don’t think about how what you do would affect others. You knew how much Jun loved you. Do you really want to use that? Is it really okay if he ends up hating you for it, one day?”

“I didn’t think.”

“That’s what I just said.”

“Tell Jun I’m sorry?”

Ohno smiled. “You could tell him yourself, later.” Then, stopping as they were about to turn a corner, he said, “you know I usually don’t interfere when it comes to Sho, but the way things are going...”

“I’m a mess, I know,” Aiba said softly. “I was a mess with him, and now I’m a mess without him, and I don’t know what to do. I wish he never came back.”

“Do you, really?”

“I -” Aiba took a deep breath. “No. Not really.”

“You could still fix things.”

Aiba didn’t respond to that, which was okay, because Ohno had started walking again. He followed suit, thinking of the last time he walked into a room and saw Sho light up from the sight of him. _He cooked for me_ , he thought, remembering. Sho had actually _cooked_ something, and it had looked great. He had never known Sho to be able to even reheat a dish properly, so it had been a big deal. And it was all for him. And he had responded by extinguishing the light in Sho’s eyes. And then, when he couldn’t stand the fact that he was really breaking his own heart (so that Sho couldn’t), he had run to Jun, because Jun was _safe_. He could hurt Jun, and Jun would never lash back. 

He couldn’t even begin to describe how much he hated himself at the moment. _Sho would hate me, too_ , he thought, _if he knew me_. 

He had told Sho that he couldn’t love the person Sho had become, but the truth was he just wanted to go back to the way things were. When everything was simple and the only thing that mattered was that he loved Sho. When he knew, with absolute certainty, that no matter what happened, Sho would never leave.

But Sho did leave, and he had become someone else, someone he didn’t like, someone he was sure Sho could never love.

})i({

_Are you sure you want to do this?_

First Nino, then Yamanaka-san. Sho closed the door to his green room and sighed as he sank into the sofa. He hadn’t been home in the last two days, and he had never been more sure about his decision than he was at the moment.

His next album would be his last.

The timing was good enough. By the time he was done with the promotions for the new album, RedShift’s recordings should be near finished. It would tie up all the important lose ends before he - he didn’t know what he was going to do next, but he had plenty of time to think. He only knew that he was sick of being Sakurai Sho.

_They’re saying he only has weeks left. Nii-chan, why don’t you see him?_

He couldn’t see his father. Not the way he was now. He didn’t know if he was strong enough on a normal day, and now... if his father asked, he probably would have said yes. Anything to take him out of the life he knew, the life that he had risked everything for.

When his phone rang, he picked up immediately. “An-chan?”

“Sakurai-san, do you need me to send a car to pick you up today?” She sounded worried. He wasn’t surprised. He looked like he would fall apart at any moment. No doubt she thought that he shouldn’t be driving.

“It’s alright,” he said, as reassuringly as he could. “I’m already in the green room.”

“Have you even slept?” He could hear the frown in her voice, and fought back laughter. Funny that the only person who bothered to ask him that was a staff member rather than a friend... or a band mate. _Or Aiba_.

He drew a sharp breath, surprised by the stab of pain that came with the thought of Aiba. _This isn’t good_ , he thought. He had to go down to the studio in less than two hours. He was going to have to be professional.

“Sakurai-san?”

“I’m fine, An-chan,” he said, knowing that he didn’t sound at all convincing. “I’ll catch some sleep here before I head down.”

It took him a couple of minutes to convince her that he’d be okay, and that he would try to sleep right away. After he hung up, his attention went back to his laptop, on which he had been working on the lyrics to his latest song. He put the music on loop, and closed his eyes, and dreamed of the past.

})i({

_It was a beautiful day._

_It had rained in the night, but the morning brought with it the kind of clear sky that Sho thought only existed in movies and edited photographs. He stood by the balcony overlooking the lake, closing his eyes to enjoy the cool breeze, the slow tingle of warmth of the morning sun. “I should have come here more often,” he said._

_“Why didn’t you?” Aiba was pressed against his back, arms around him, chin rested on his shoulder, and it sort of tickles when Aiba talked, but he didn’t mind._

_“It reminded me too much of you, I guess.”_

_“I still can’t believe you bought this place. Not that I’m complaining. But, you know, now we could come any time.”_

_“That would be nice,” Sho murmured. It_ would _be nice, except that he knew that it was next to impossible to get their schedules to align for enough days to go to his lake house. He should do something about his apartment in Tokyo, he thought. Try to make it feel as much as home as this place did. It was strange that he had lived in the same apartment for years, and it never really felt like home. Stranger that it was so sparsely furnished, and was lacking in any personal touch, until Aiba started bringing things over every time he came._

 __For a rich guy, you really live a sad life _, Aiba had said the first time he went to Sho’s apartment._

 _He never really_ lived _in his apartment, he supposed. That was changing. And he hardly bothered to use his off days - spending them in the studio, writing songs, instead. That, too, was changing._

_“You’re thinking about work, aren’t you,” Aiba said, accusing._

_“Not really. Well. Just a little. Kind of.”_

_“Bad Sho-chan,” Aiba said, shifting so that he could leave a kiss on Sho’s bare shoulder. “Tomorrow we’re going to have to go back. Lets forget about everything else until then.”_

})i({

When An opened the door - slowly, quietly - to check on Sho, she found him asleep on the couch. She pretended not to notice how terrible he looked, and made sure to plug in his laptop to a power socket. As she did so, she caught sight of the working title of Sho’s new song - “The Last Beautiful Day” - and sighed. She found a blanket, put it over him, and stepped back out of the room before pulling out her phone to tell Yamanaka-san that Sho was going to be late that day. 


	4. Three: This Healing Process Is So Slow

The first week, Aiba and Sho avoided talking to each other or any direct contact with each other. Nino wasn’t surprised by that. What he was surprised about, however, was the fact that Aiba had started to put a distance between himself and Jun as well. Now and then he would forget, and do something casual like lay a hand on Jun’s shoulder, which was usually pretty normal behaviour for him, but then he’d immediately pull back, looking stricken. Nino wondered what was going on between them, but thought that perhaps it was best not to know, given the fact that his own relationship with Aiba was precarious at best. 

There was no exchange any harsh words, but it was like they were skirting around each other most of the time. Neither wanted to fight, because both had a feeling that if it escalates into a big one, they might never recover from it. They were more polite than friendly, and sometimes when Aiba directly talked to him he noticed an uncertainty in Aiba’s expression, like Aiba was expecting him to lash out at any moment. He felt bad, but he was still annoyed and angry enough about the whole situation to not rush to make the bassist feel better.

Surprisingly, it was Ohno who seemed to take to Aiba in the end. Nino was glad for that; as much as he couldn’t be a friend to Aiba at the moment, he knew that Aiba needed one. Plus, he didn’t know why he never thought of it before, but Ohno had a strange, calming effect on the bassist. It had felt like Aiba was hell-bent on a mission to self-destruct in the beginning, but ever since Ohno started latching on to him, he seemed to have mellowed down.

(The funny thing about the two was that Aiba had started to get more quiet and introspective since they started hanging out - although he did go off on his strange rants every now and then - while Ohno had started talking more, revealing that he was just as bizarre as Aiba when he lets people into his head. Well, it would have been funny, had it not been for the situation.)

By the second week, they were starting to get a little more used to the way things had changed between them. Maybe it was a good thing, and maybe it wasn’t, but Sho and Aiba were better at avoiding each other, and Nino and Aiba were slightly more relaxed and less cautious with each other. Aiba seemed to have kicked his habit of being overly casual with Jun, which Nino thought was probably a good thing, although he felt sorry for Jun, who didn’t seem to understand why Aiba was distancing himself.

The third week, Sho and Aiba actually spoke to each other. It wasn’t anything big - Sho was looking for some misplaced papers and was starting to panic because they were apparently important, when Aiba found them and reprimanded Sho for not being more careful. Sho apologised for the fuss, and that was the end of it, but Nino didn’t miss the fact that both of them appeared as if a heavy burden had been lifted off them then.

})i({

“So you’ve talked to Yamanaka-san about it?”

Sho gave Nino a quick nod and a grimace. “After I cleared things with my manager. He wasn’t pleased.”

“Yeah, well, that’s not exactly a surprise. You’re still with us throughout the year, though.” Nino spoke carefully, making his last statement a question.

Nodding again, Sho said, “it’s not really that sudden of a decision. I’ve been thinking about it for sometime; it’s just the timing and the circumstances...”

“If you’ve already thought things through, then why don’t you know what you’re going to do next?”

Sho paused in the act of grabbing his bag, and lowered his hands. “The circumstances, I guess,” he said. “I thought I’d just take on less work at first, or go on hiatus, but the way things are going... my heart’s really not in it anymore. I haven’t felt that - the excitement of working on something new, in a long time. In fact, RedShift’s practically the only thing that I feel sorry about letting go, but that part’s inevitable.”

“Then come back.”

Sho laughed. “What do you mean?”

Shrugging, Nino said, as plainly as he could, “if you miss the band, then come back. Be an official member again.”

“You’ve already got a new vocalist...”

“And we’re not letting him go. But I have to admit, the two of you sound good together. We worked as a four-piece band, sure, but who says there can’t be five of us? You could still work on the songs with me, like we used to do, and even though we don’t _really_ need another guitarist, you’ve included piano or keyboards in so many of the new arrangements. It makes just as much sense to have a band member to play those parts in our lives as it does to hire a supporting pianist.”

Sho smiled despite himself. “Excuses.”

“ _Good_ excuses.” Nino grinned. “So, what do you think?”

“You’ll have to ask RedShift first, won’t you?”

“And I will, but first I want to know if you’d like that.”

Sho thought about it. He did miss being in a band. And perhaps he shouldn’t be thinking of ulterior motives, but it would give him a reason to stick around. “Maybe. I need to think about it.”

“You do that.” Satisfied that Sho was at least resembling his normal self - although he wasn’t sure how much was that was real, and how much was just on the surface - Nino thought that it might be okay to broach the subject. “Hey.” He stopped, suddenly feeling awkward. As close as he was to Sho, and as much as he should be used to bringing up the topic, he still felt weird about discussing Aiba and Sho as a couple. Maybe because both of them were his best friends, and it was strange that they had formed a unit that excluded him.

“What?”

“Are you really going to be okay?”

“You know what... I think I will be. I’m really working hard on my new album, since it’s going to be the last, and even though I said I’m tired of it, it’s actually the best thing I could be doing right now. It’s kind of cathartic, I guess.”

“But you’re still insisting that it’ll be your last.”

“Mmm. I don’t know, I’m not actually saying that I will _never_ go back to the studio after I’m done, but for now, this is my decision.”

“But how sure are -”

“Nino,” Sho interrupted. “I’m sure.”

Nino gazed at Sho’s determined expression, and let go of his breath as he nodded. “Okay.” There was one thing he was certain about Sho - his tendency to over-think things meant that every decision he made had been carefully weighted, many times over. It was just that sometimes, he wished that Sho talked to him or Aiba before deciding things on his own.

})i({

Jun was whistling to himself as he entered the green room, until he saw Aiba curled up in a corner, reading a manga. “Hey,” he said, warily.

Aiba looked up, startled, but nodded at him in acknowledgement. When he immediately turned back to his manga, Jun decided that it was time to be blunt.

“Have you been avoiding me?”

Aiba took his time putting down the manga, and took longer as he tried to think of a suitable response. He had forgotten how sensitive Jun was about how others thought about him. “It’s not you,” he said apologetically. “But what I did the other day, it was really stupid of me. And right now I don’t know if I’m strong enough not to do anything equally stupid, or worse.”

“Aiba, nothing actually _happened_.” Jun hated sounding like a broken record. Ever since that day, he felt like he had been repeating the same words to Ohno over and over again. Ohno had nodded, had listened, and sometimes even acknowledged what he had said, but somehow it hadn’t felt enough. Nothing had happened, but he seemed to have lost Ohno’s trust. “We hung out, drank more than we should have, and I took you home because you didn’t want to face Nino. Friends do that all the time.”

“But we’re just a little more complicated than that, aren’t we?” Aiba asked in a low tone. “I was leading you on, using you - don’t deny it,” he said as Jun started to protest. “We both know it’s true.”

“I didn’t mind,” Jun told him.

“I know. That’s why things can’t go on like it used to.” Aiba sounded sad, and wistful. “It’ll be too easy to do that, and I don’t want to be that person anymore, Jun. You understand... don’t you?”

“Sure.” Jun drew a long breath, and let it go. “Sure. I just wish that it didn’t mean I’ll lose you as a friend.”

“Don’t be silly. I’ll always be your friend. Things will just be a little different, that’s all.”

Jun sat down on the sofa next to Aiba, thinking of how he would have done anything to make Aiba better. “I’m really screwed up, aren’t I?”

To his surprise, the statement made Aiba laugh. “That makes two of us.”

At that moment, the door to the green room opened, and Ohno’s head peered in at them. “Aiba-chan, are you ready?”

Aiba looked at Ohno thoughtfully, and then turned to Jun. “You know what,” he said, still looking at Jun, “I’m kind of tired. I just want to finish my manga and go home. Why don’t you go with Jun?”

“Wait... go where?”

“Ozeki’s. We’re meeting with Nino’s friends. I don’t know if it’s your scene, though; you never really go out with us much...”

“Sounds like fun.” Jun stood up quickly, and grabbed his bag as he headed towards Ohno. “I’ll go.”

“But -”

“Do you not want me to go?”

Put in a spot, Ohno stared at Jun for a moment, as if trying to figure the vocalist out. “You can come if you want,” he finally said.

“Great,” Jun said, cheerful as he followed Ohno out the door, and they waved Aiba goodbye.

})i({

Jun’s false cheer didn’t last for very long. The two of them were silent as they walked towards the elevator. Ohno waited until they were out of the building before asking, “what’s with you today?”

“Nothing. Just had a talk with Aiba that’s probably long overdue,” Jun replied dully. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

Ohno was surprised by the apology, but he didn’t show it. He didn’t think it was something Jun _would_ feel sorry about, and he knew that perhaps he had reacted more strongly than a normal friend/house mate/band leader would, but what really surprised him was the fact that he felt like he had been waiting for Jun’s apology all along.

“Thank you,” he said, although he spoke so softly Jun could barely hear him. “I needed that. I don’t know why, but I needed that.”

Jun stopped him, then, touching his arm lightly before letting go. Looking at Ohno in the eyes, Jun said, sincerely, “I’m sorry. About everything.”

As Ohno smiled up at him, Jun silently thanked Aiba for knowing exactly what he needed - because Ohno wasn’t the only one who needed the apology. He knew perfectly well how hard he had been to live with, and how Ohno not only tolerated, but actually took care of him throughout the years they’ve lived together. He understood that the situation with Aiba had been the last straw with Ohno, and it scared him, because he realised now that he had been taking Ohno for granted, and that if he didn’t do something soon he might lose Ohno for good.

He didn’t think that he would be able to earn the drummer’s trust again easily, but he was going to have to try.


	5. Four: I Can't Untangle What I Feel And What Would Matter Most

Five months after Nino had asked him, Sho had yet to state his decision on whether or not he was going back to RedShift. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to join the band. It wasn’t even that the others would disagree - Nino had asked, and the rest of the band had unanimously voted yes. Even Aiba thought that it was a good idea, which was something Sho hadn’t expected. 

He had been gone from the band for too long. He didn’t want to jump back in too soon after putting his solo career on hiatus - something that had yet to happen, anyway. In the five months since Nino asked - he couldn’t believe that it had been half a year since he and Aiba broke up - RedShift had released their second single, and he had released the first single for the new album he was working on. 

He still had a lot of time to think.

He and Aiba were slowly learning to be band mates and friends again. It made him ask himself if it would have been possible, all those years ago. He had always thought that he would never be able to have any other kind of relationship with the bassist, but it turned out that all they really needed was time. Of course, perhaps it was just that this time, he was determined to be a part of Aiba’s life, even if it was only a small one.

There were unspoken rules between them - they were fine with each other as long as they met in work situations. Once or twice they had gone out together with mutual friends, and Sho learned that that, too, was something he could handle. They were careful not to be alone together, though, and not to talk about anything too personal or serious. Thankfully, Nino and Ohno seemed to always be hovering around them, as if they were Sho and Aiba’s chaperones.

})i({

Aiba heard the laughter, first, before he looked up. He hadn’t expected for Sho to really befriend Jun (instead of just treating him as a colleague), but things had ended up that way. He supposed it must be the fact that they all knew that Sho might be joining RedShift as an official member that was changing the Jun and Ohno acted with him. When he turned back to the new song he was learning, there was a small smile on his face. He still remembered Sho from the first time they had met. He had a feeling that despite the fact that Sho was now different, the idol still found it hard to form real or lasting attachments to people. Even when they were together, he had never heard of Sho going out with anyone other than Nino or Michiyo, unless it was for work.

“What’s the smile for?” Nino asked, walking over to sit next to Aiba after explaining to Ohno some parts of the song that the drummer didn’t get. 

“Nothing.” There was a pause, as Aiba reflected on their still careful friendship and the way things are changing for all of them. “I’m glad he’s making friends.”

Nino smiled, too, at that, and shifted a little, so that he leaned against Aiba’s side. “Sometimes I worry about him.”

Aiba’s expression changed at those words. “I just -”

“It’s not you,” Nino interrupted quickly. “Or rather, it’s you, but not in the way you think. The thing that I used to worry about was that he was always a little too... _devoted_ , don’t you think? So... I don’t know. I was really mad at you, but now I think maybe it could be a good thing. He’s learning to live for his own sake.”

Aiba just made a neutral sound in reply, leaning back against Nino, knowing that it meant that they were really okay again. He couldn’t believe the relief he was feeling; the thought of losing Nino had been almost worst than having lost Sho. He was glad about what Nino was telling him, too, but it was a bittersweet sort of gladness. He still missed Sho, but there was something about their relationship that always made him feel uneasy and worried and inferior, like he wasn’t good enough, like he was pulling Sho back, and Nino had put it into words when he hadn’t been able to. 

Everything Sho had done was for him - gaining independence from his family, doing all that he could for RedShift, not to mention all the little things, which, when Aiba thought of it all, amounted to so very much. He loved Sho for that, but he couldn’t live with that kind of responsibility, to be the entire focus of someone else’s life.

He took a deep breath, feeling a little shaky from the epiphany. Then, “I’m learning, too,” he said.

It was true. His lessons might be different from Sho’s, but he, too, was learning. Hanging out with Ohno had been an eye-opener in a way. He was realising how little he thought how his actions might affect others. And he was realising that all of his life, he had been just a little spoiled by Nino and Sho. 

“I know,” Nino said. “Who would have thought that this whole thing would end up being so educational?”

Aiba was about to make a joke about that, but forgot all about it when his phone signalled that he received a new e-mail. He checked it, and frowned.

“What is it?”

“I don’t know,” he said evasively. “Wrong address, I think.”

})i({

Sometimes things had to go bad before it could get better, Jun thought. After they left the studio he had tagged along with Ohno to Ozeki’s. Ohno was right about one thing; it wasn’t really his scene. He loved the music, though. He always had. It just had never occurred to him that one day he might be a musician himself. And even now, when they had two singles out, and the first one peaking in the top ten of the charts, he still didn’t think of himself as the kind of person who hung out at Ozeki’s. The kind who lived for music, had dedicated their lives for it. At Ozeki’s, it didn’t matter if you were a professional or an amateur. Everyone treated each other as fellow musicians, and focused on creating new things rather than dwelling on their past achievements.

Jun loved music, but if he were pressed to tell the truth he would say that he loved RedShift more.

It was the band that drove him, rather than the act of creating. He knew that Ohno had been in and out of many bands, and that it didn’t matter to the drummer - as long as he was playing, he was content. Aiba, too, was happy as long as he was doing what he loved, and Nino just wanted to write songs. Jun suspected that even if Nino had ended up with some dead end job somewhere, he would still be writing his songs in his free time. The fact that he had people to play with, and to play for, were just extras to Nino. They could be anywhere or anyone else, and they would be doing what they were doing now.

Jun was only there for RedShift.

It bothered him, at first. He didn’t know if it was a good or bad thing, but it was how he felt. He wanted to do well, to become better at what he did, because he loved the band. He ended up being the one who paid attention to the details, just because the others cared more about making music than what happened to it. He still found it difficult to think of himself as a musician because he thought differently than them, but he was starting to think that maybe it was a good thing after all.

When he felt Ohno’s hand touch his arm lightly, he turned to the drummer. Ohno was giving him a questioning look, as if he knew that Jun had been lost in his thoughts rather than listening to Ryuta speak. Ryuta talked a _lot_. When Kazuki, his best friend, was around, no one else could get in a word edgewise. Jun was beginning to see why Ohno liked hanging out with them. He grinned as he glanced at Nino, who strangely enough was letting Ryuta and Kazuki dominate the conversation. 

“You okay?” Ohno asked, bringing Jun’s attention back to him.

“Yeah. Just thinking.”

“About what?”

“Nothing, really.”

“Hmm.” Ohno took his hands away. “You know... never mind.”

“What?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Oh-chan, what is it?” 

“Why don’t you bring him along, one day?”

It was one of the reasons he and Ohno were slowly becoming close again, perhaps. A couple of months ago Jun had actually asked someone out, on a date. Maybe it wasn’t so strange a thing, but the difference was this guy was nothing like the others before him. He worked at an IT company and he was serious but funny and even though Jun said otherwise, he sounded like a nice guy. Jun also said that he would have provided endless amusement for Nino because there was no video game that he could _not_ fail at playing (this part, said in laughter). In short, he was the sort of person that Jun could actually really like - the kind he had been avoiding ever since Aiba.

 

Jun had yet to introduce him to any of the band, but the fact that Jun had been seeing him for longer than he had been with anyone after Aiba proved that he was serious. Ohno didn’t know why Jun had refused to bring the new guy when they went out, but he thought it might have something to do with the way Ohno had reacted to the whole Aiba thing. 

He couldn’t help it. For a long time, Jun had been “his” in a way. He was uncomfortable when Jun was with Aiba too much, but he knew that Jun was slowly getting over it. And he had been able to put up with the girls and guys that Jun fooled around with, being more concerned about why Jun was the way he was rather than what he was actually doing.

“I don’t know... this isn’t his scene, either, you know? And I don’t know if you’d like him...” Jun hedged. Jun didn’t know why he didn’t want Ohno to meet his new boyfriend. It just didn’t feel right, somehow. It was strange even talking about Toma with Ohno. 

“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Ohno said reassuringly, although he wasn’t sure at all. He was sure that the boyfriend would be likable, but it didn’t mean that he would like the guy. _You’re the one who wanted Jun to change_ , he reminded himself. So why couldn’t he be happy?

“If you say so,” Jun replied, still sounding hesitant. But he smiled right after that, and was about to change the subject when Kazuki noticed that they had been having their own private conversation and started to draw their attention back to the other three.

“Anyway,” Ryuta was saying, “Nino and I worked on this song together, and we want to know what you think of it.”

“A new song?” Jun asked. “For RedShift or Cloud Chorus?”

“That’s the thing,” Nino said. “It didn’t really fit in with either of our usual stuff - so we’re not sure ourselves. But it’d be nice to know what you think.”

“Not the usual, huh...” Jun frowned. He had just been thinking earlier about how it would have been easy for Nino to consider working outside of RedShift - the only that really kept Nino in the band was probably Aiba - but he hadn’t expected anything like this. An irrational fear crept into him, and he wondered if Nino might be thinking of leaving the band. But he ignored the thought, and instead asked when he would be able to hear the new song.

})i({

Late at night, Aiba took out his phone and re-read the message. 

>   
> I went to your concert last week and tried to talk to you, but you left before I had the chance.

The message seemed innocuous enough, but no one knew his address with the exception of his close friends, and he didn’t recognise the sender’s address. _So how did this person get my address_ , he wondered. He had told Nino that it was probably sent to the wrong person, and he would think that it was, except that the message mentioned a concert, and RedShift had done a small, special concert the previous week. 

So the message had definitely been meant for him, but who had sent it?


	6. Five: Once There Was A Way To Get Back Home

> Finally saw the PV of your last single yesterday. Congratulations.

> Hey, Aiba? I know you’re busy and all but it’s strange that I keep missing you at your lives...

> You’re not doing anything this evening, right? I’m going over at around 8.

Aiba stared at the latest message. Whoever the sender was, they knew where he lived. Maybe he should have replied to the earlier messages, and asked who it was. He didn’t want to directly interact with the sender, though - what if it was some kind of stalker? But as soon as the thought came to mind, he wondered uneasily if it was just his overactive imagination again. He hadn’t even told anyone about it, sure that they would laugh at him.

This time, though, he wasn’t sure what he should do.

If things went on as usual, he should be back by a little before or after eight that night, since they had more lives the following week and cut their studio time short. He could ask to stay at Oh-chan’s, but Jun would be there... and Aiba didn’t really know anyone else he was willing to trouble with something that could turn out to be nothing at all.

Maybe he should tell Nino, he thought, slowly wandering towards where Nino was trying to pick a fight with Jun over his lyrics. If it _was_ a crazy stalker, then Nino should be warned anyway, since they lived together. And Nino wouldn’t laugh at him. Much. 

He tugged on Nino’s sleeve.

“Yeah,” Nino was saying, “but in _this_ song shouldn’t the feelings be the other way around? It doesn’t suit the - what is it, Aiba?”

“Sorry,” Aiba said to Jun. “Can I borrow Nino for awhile?” Without waiting for Jun’s response, he was pulling Nino out of the studio into the hallway outside.

“What’s wrong?” Nino asked again. “Did something happen?”

“Want to go out after work?” Aiba asked in reply. “We haven’t done that in awhile.” He figured that he could tell Nino later, when they were out. 

“Sorry, I have plans with Ryuta tonight,” Nino said. “Remember I told you about the song we were working on?” He waited a beat, and when Aiba nodded, he continued. “Well, we wanted to make sure it’s absolutely perfect before letting you guys hear it, so I’m going to his place after work. I’ll probably be staying over, too.”

“Oh.” Aiba knew that if he pushed, Nino would probably give in and accompany him that day, but he just smiled understandingly. “Well... rain check, then?”

“Okay.” Nino looked puzzled. “Did you drag me all the way out here just for that?”

“Umm... yeah. Sorry.” 

Grinning, Nino said affectionately, “you’re really weird,” before pushing Aiba back into the studio.

})i({

Aiba took his time after they were done, still undecided on what he wanted to do. Maybe he should just go home and see who it was, he thought. At least he would know, instead of being kept wondering. He didn’t want to go alone, though, just in case.

“Oh-chan...” he started to say, but when he looked up Ohno had already left with Jun. Nino had been the first to leave, so other than one of the staff members in the back room it was just him and Sho.

“Ohno left five minutes ago,” Sho said, giving Aiba an odd look. “You were kind of spaced out today. Is something wrong?”

“Nothing,” Aiba replied, too quickly. “Just had something on my mind, and -”

“Aiba,” Sho interrupted mildly. “I know you better than that. It’s not just today. Something’s been bothering you all week.”

_Could it be Sho?_ he suddenly thought. It was probably wishful thinking, as his heart leapt at the thought that it might have been Sho who had sent him the messages. _No_ , he told himself cautiously. _I’m not looking to start something with him all over again. And besides, it couldn’t be him._

When he felt Sho’s hand on his shoulder, he gave out a startled sound and stepped back. Sho, too, pulled his hand away as if he had been burned. “Sorry,” Aiba said. “You surprised me, that’s all.”

“It’s fine,” Sho murmured, but Aiba knew that Sho was hurt by the way he jerked away. He sighed, knowing that there was no way he was going to leave things as they were now. 

“If I tell you what’s bothering me,” he started, “can you promise not to freak out or laugh at me or anything?”

})i({

Sho didn’t laugh at him, and didn’t exactly _freak out_ , but he did become very grave when he heard about the messages. He insisted that they should inform Aiba’s manager and find out how the sender could have got Aiba’s addresses, but Aiba insisted that he didn’t want to trouble anyone just in case it was nothing.

“It could just be the aliens playing a trick on me, you know,” he commented, knowing that that would tease a smile out of Sho. He hated the way his throat felt dry when it did. _Why does he make me feel this way?_ he wondered, knowing that there would be no answer forthcoming. He had never understood the invisible thing, the kind of gravitational pull, that he felt for Sho.

In the end, they managed to compromise. Sho would follow Aiba back and be there when or if the mysterious person arrived - although how that would make a difference from him being alone, Aiba didn’t know. 

Perhaps it was a good thing, though, because Aiba realised that he didn’t just miss being with Sho. He missed their talks, and just the simple moments of silence as he sat in the passenger seat and Sho drove. He missed eating together and laughing when Sho managed to get his pristine white shirts stained. He missed doing nothing and listening to music while Sho worked in the next room. Maybe it would’ve sounded boring to other people - especially Nino, whose dates with Ryuta seemed to always involve events and projects - but it was the everyday things that Aiba missed the most. Not that they were really “everyday” to them; they had so little time to spend together that those things became special, even cherished.

He closed his eyes as he settled back against the seat, listening as Sho hummed along to the song that had started to play on the radio. _An old song_ , Aiba thought, his mind clouding over as he drifted off to sleep. _Something we used to sing together, once._

})i({

When he opened his eyes, the car was no longer moving. They were at the parking area for his apartment. He turned to Sho, who was looking deep in thought about something, and rubbed at his eyes as he asked blearily, “how long have we been here?”

“About fifteen minutes.”

“Why didn’t you wake me?”

“You seemed so rested; I didn’t want to disturb you,” Sho said quietly. “Lets go up.”

Aiba pushed back the strands of hair that had fallen to cover his eyes, more out of irritation than anything else. Even though they weren’t together anymore, Sho could be so... he sighed. He didn’t want to think about it. 

The walk up to his apartment was silent, and as they reached his floor Aiba checked his watch. It was half-past eight. Whoever it was who sent the message would have already come. Both of them slowed down as they saw a figure waiting by his front door. As they neared the man, Aiba’s eyes widened in recognition.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Hey,” the man said. “You’re one hard man to track down.” Looking past Aiba, he nodded at Sho. “It’s been awhile.”

“Suzuki.” Sho’s face was a cross of pleasure and surprise as he stepped up to shake Suzuki’s hand. “I haven’t seen you since high school, I think.”

“That would be about right,” Suzuki agreed. “Masaki, aren’t you going to let us in?”

“What?” Aiba was still staring at Suzuki. “Oh. Huh. Of course.” He fidgeted as he looked for his keys, and unlocked the door.

})i({

Suzuki had gotten Aiba’s contact information from Sugimoto, RedShift’s drummer when they had first started out. The drummer was now living overseas, running a Japanese restaurant with his wife. He still wrote to Aiba and Nino every now and then, although they had lost touch with Suzuki a long time ago - Suzuki changed bands a lot, and traveled with them, so Aiba had lost track of which bands, and where.

“That didn’t explain why you didn’t say it was you in your messages,” Aiba said accusingly, as he passed Suzuki a drink. “I thought I had some crazy stalker or something!”

“Sorry, sorry,” Suzuki apologised, laughing. “Although that’s Sugimoto’s fault, really. He was supposed to pass you my contact info and tell you I was coming to see you.”

“I guess it doesn’t matter now anyway. So, what have you been up to? What band are you in now?”

“No band, actually. I moved back to my old place for awhile, took over my brother’s studio. Then I traveled a little with my girlfriend, before starting an indie label together; we’re doing pretty okay now.”

Suzuki still traveled a lot, and had been away for most of the year. He was surprised and happy to hear about RedShift debuting with Voyager, but hadn’t had the chance to come down to find them until then. “I’ve only heard your new singles, but I went to your live that one time and it was great. You’ve really become a good bassist,” he said to Aiba.

“I had a good teacher,” Aiba said, grinning back at his old school friend. Suzuki had been the one to first teach Aiba how to play, and it was only after Suzuki left the band that Aiba took over as RedShift’s bassist. 

The three of them ended up spending most of the night drinking and talking, and it felt as if no time had passed at all since the last time they saw each other. Sho and Aiba were quick to fill Suzuki in on their current projects, and shared the interesting things that happened in the studio recently, as well as news on Nino. Before they knew it, it was late, and Suzuki was saying that he had to leave.

“I’m really glad that I got to meet you,” he said to Aiba. “You, too, Sho. Now that you’re so famous I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.”

“You can call me up anytime,” Sho said, sincerely. “I’m happy to hear from old friends.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that. I have to say, I’m really glad that the two of you are back together. Aiba was still getting over you the last time we saw each other, right, Aiba?”

“Hmm.” Aiba felt his cheeks getting warm, although he didn’t know whether it was out of embarrassment of the memory, or the fact that Suzuki thought he and Sho were together, or just the fact that he had drank more than he had done in the last few months. “Actually -”

“Well, I’ll see you guys later, hopefully,” Suzuki waved at them one last time, before turning away, saying something about catching the last train home.

Aiba and Sho looked at each other. “I should be getting back, too,” Sho said.

“You shouldn’t be driving.” Aiba hesitated after his statement, realising that if he didn’t want Sho to drive, he should come up with an alternative. “You could stay if you want. Nino won’t mind if you use his room.”

})i({

In another part of town, Jun was taking a long look at Ohno, who was asleep in front of the TV. It was amazing, he thought, that if he were to switch off the television right then, Ohno would wake up and say (indignantly) that he was watching. He let his bag drop on the nearest chair, before walking over and sitting next to the drummer.

“Jun?” Ohno murmured. “You’re back?”

“I told you not to wait up for me.”

“I’m not up.”

Jun stretched his arms and yawned; he’d been feeling a lot more tired than usual lately. “I’m going to sleep.”

Still half-asleep, Ohno made a protesting noise before speaking. “Stay. Missed you.”

Amused, Jun said, “we just saw each other at the studio earlier.” No response came from Ohno, who had fallen asleep again. “I guess I could stay for awhile,” Jun said. “Someone needs to switch off the television, after all.”

Half-an-hour later, Jun was asleep on the couch, his head supported by Ohno’s shoulders. The television was still on.


	7. Six: If We Are Only Friends

Jun woke up first, and stifled a groan. He had a crick in the neck, and his back hurt, and something was poking into his leg - the remote control, probably. But he didn’t want to get up. As he closed his eyes and imagined himself sleeping, he wondered if it would possible to bottle up Ohno’s... _essence_ , or whatever it was about the drummer that made those around him feel so good. The world would definitely be a better place, he decided, if only it was possible.

He wished it could last.

When he straightened up, Ohno stirred, and lifted one lid to peer at him. “Something’s bothering you.” The words were spoken in a sleepy mumble, and Jun doubted that anyone other than him would be able to decipher them.

“I’m just thinking about Nino,” he said. It was true, anyway - he had been a little troubled about the whole Nino and Ryuta thing since the last time they went to Ozeki’s together. “He seems serious about this new project with Ryuta, and he’s really _enjoying_ it, working on this new song. It’s taking all of his free time.”

“It’s his time to take,” Ohno mumbled again.

“Yeah, but what if he decides that he likes what he’s doing now more than the band? What if he decides to go solo, or start something new with Ryuta? He kept saying that the new song isn’t RedShift’s style.”

Recognising the anxiety in Jun’s voice, Ohno reluctantly woke himself all the way up, and turned to look at the vocalist. “Nino’s not going to do that,” he said. “Give him some credit, Jun.”

“Yeah, but -”

“It’s perfectly possible for him to work on something with Ryuta _and_ still stay in RedShift, isn’t it? The way Sho does.”

“I guess...”

Ohno reached out to pat Jun’s hand gently. “Don’t worry about it.”

})i({

Sho was in the kitchen when Aiba woke up. He had already showered and was ready for work. It was so normal, to wake up and see Sho like that, that for a moment it was as if the past six months had been erased. As he remembered, groggily, Aiba’s first reaction was panic - what was Sho doing there? - but then he remembered the rest of it. Sho was only there because he had asked. He let out a breath in relief, thinking that it was good that they were now able to be friendly with each other.

“Sho-chan?” he asked tentatively. “What are you doing?”

Sho looked up from the news magazine he was reading, and smiled. “Good morning. I was going to make something for breakfast but you guys don’t have anything I could use.”

He was going to have to remember to do his grocery shopping soon, Aiba thought, although he also wondered if he should be relieved that Sho hadn’t been able to cook that day. “We have cereal,” he said, pulling a chair to sit opposite Sho at the counter table. “You can have that.”

“You’re going to have some, too, aren’t you?” Sho glanced at Aiba’s thin frame as he spoke. Aiba was doing a lot better than before, but he was still too thin. _Maybe he’s just normal, and I just remember him differently._ “We’re going to be in the studios all day today.”

“No, _you_ are,” Aiba reminded Sho. “I only have to go in around 3pm today, remember? Never mind; I’ll have some too, thanks.”

Even his cereal was almost finished. There was hardly enough left for two, which was why Aiba had been reluctant to have some at first. Sho distributed the remains in two bowls, passing one to Aiba. Aiba looked at their bowls, and exhaled in resignation.

Of course, Sho had given him the bowl that had a little more than the other.

“You should go and have a proper breakfast before work,” he commented.

“Maybe I will,” Sho said noncommittally as he brought out the spoons and poured milk into their bowls. “Okay, eat up.”

This, too, felt normal. In fact, everything about spending time with Sho felt so normal, Aiba found it hard to believe that they were broken. He munched thoughtfully, examining his feelings, watching from the corner of his eyes as Sho continued flipping through the magazine.

Noticing, Sho turned to him. “What is it?”

“Nothing,” he mumbled, feeling himself go red as he turned back to his breakfast. _No, not normal at all_ , he decided. They didn’t speak as they ate, but Aiba felt that he was increasingly becoming aware of Sho’s presence, and the fact that they were alone, together. He tried to think of things to talk about, and a myriad of topics came to his mind, but everything ended up getting stuck in his throat somehow.

He insisted that he would wash the bowls after they were done, so Sho went back to the living room, where his things had been placed neatly at the sofa. “I need to go now, since I have to go back to my place and change first,” he said.

Aiba nodded.

As Sho stepped out of the _genkan_ , Aiba found himself blurting, “ _itterasshai_ ,” before he could stop himself. A force of habit, maybe, he thought, as he berated himself.

Sho paused, giving him an undecipherable look that made him even more uneasy. “ _Ittekimasu_ ,” Sho said carefully, before leaving.

Long after the door had been closed, Aiba was still standing there, unsure of what to make of the flutters he felt as he heard those words.

})i({

Sho pushed away the unwelcome thoughts that came to his mind as he pulled out of the parking lot, and tried to ignore the shakiness he felt, the desire to grab Aiba and demand an explanation... but for what, exactly? Maybe it was just him who had felt like they had forgotten, for a moment, that they no longer had each other. Maybe Aiba was just trying to be friends again, the way he was with Jun now.

He thought about the fact that Jun was now seeing someone else. It relieved him more than he thought it would, that Jun was truly giving up on Aiba, but it puzzled him at the same time. If given enough time, would he have been able to move on, the way Jun did? He doubted it. He had tried, hadn’t he? Michiyo had been more than what he deserved, after the way he had ended things with Aiba. He even loved her, in a way. But she wasn’t Aiba, and that was that.

He went through the rest of the morning in a daze. He didn’t know if it was because of Aiba, or the fact that he barely slept the night before. Maybe a combination of both. Yamanaka-san ended up kicking him out of the studio, telling him that he needed a break before they started again, which was why he was in his green room when Suzuki called.

“Hey,” he greeted, as he picked up the phone. “I know you said you were going to call, but didn’t think it’d be so soon.”

“Just checking if I got the right number,” Suzuki said. “Plus I called Sugimoto earlier to ask why he hadn’t informed Aiba anything, and he said he forgot, which isn’t the point, but he mentioned that he was coming back on a short holiday for two weeks sometime next month, and we ended up making plans for a RedShift meetup. If you guys are interested, that is.”

“When? I’ll have to check with Nino and Aiba.”

They compared their schedules - it was a good thing that Sho also knew RedShift’s - and talked about possible dates, when Sho noticed that it was time to return to the studio. “Sorry, I have to go now,” he said.

“Okay, I think we’ve got most of the details down anyway. Oh, with Aiba’s birthday coming up, do the two of you have special plans? Because -”

“Aiba and I aren’t really together anymore,” Sho said, interrupting as soon as he could. He took a deep breath. He thought that he had accepted the fact, but somehow it still hurt to admit the fact out loud.

There was a long pause before Suzuki said on the other line, “but yesterday -”

“Yesterday I just happened to go back with him because he was worried about the stalker thing.” Sho didn’t mention that he had been worried, too. “We’re still friends, but we’re not together anymore.”

“Why not?”

It was then that Sho realised that he really had no answer to the question.

})i({

“This is nice,” Jun said, as he handed his half-eaten pastry to Ohno. It was too sweet; he didn’t like sweet things in the mornings, but he always ended up getting the same things. He wondered why. “Going to work together. Well, not that we actually have _work_ until noon, but... anyway.”

Ohno didn’t answer him, too busy finishing Jun’s leftover. The two of them were heading to the studio early because Jun had wanted to start learning the new song earlier, so that he could fix the lyrics before Nino came in. He had grown to accept Sho’s criticisms, but somehow when Nino tried to say anything about his work, he immediately became defensive and irritated. Maybe it was just the blunt way Nino stated things.

When Ohno was done, the drummer asked him about the night before.

“I was already tired when we met up, so we just watched a movie and had dinner. Pretty boring stuff, really.”

“Even boring stuff can be fun when you’re with someone you like,” Ohno said lightly.

“Yeah, but...” Jun glanced at Ohno and laughed. “You have some whipped cream on you. Here,” he said, taking out a handkerchief and wiping. “You’re like a kid, sometimes.”

He thought about Toma. Last night they actually had a pretty serious talk, one that reflected on the time they had spent together. Even though they’ve dated for two months, they didn’t actually spend that much time with each other, because of RedShift’s schedule. And neither of them had said anything about wanting to be mutually exclusive, a subject that had come up the previous night. They didn’t _decide_ on anything yet, but Toma had said that maybe they shouldn’t be, because Jun’s heart “obviously” belonged to someone else. Jun didn’t see how Toma could say such a thing so carelessly, and tried to laugh it off, because _of course_ he was over Aiba. “We’re just still good friends,” he had said. “There’s nothing to worry about.”

But now, seeing Ohno trying to be mad at him for calling the drummer a kid and failing, starting to laugh with him instead, Jun wondered if perhaps Toma was talking about someone else.


	8. Seven: We Were Surprised When We Found Out That Love Feels Just Like Pain

They used to go home together after long hours at the studio, although lately there were times when Jun would go out to see his new boyfriend instead. Ohno would smile and wait for Jun to come back, and he’d wonder if anything had really changed at all. Jun was doing better, but he was still waiting, in the end. 

He had always known how things stood between them. They had always been close, and they were prone to teasing each other, or pretending to fight. Jun was the one who did what he wanted, the consequences be damned, and Ohno was the one who cleaned up after. He was the one who got to go home with Jun, no matter how many others got Jun’s fleeting affections. He was the one that Jun came home to. He was the one who didn’t fend off Jun’s drunken fumblings or kisses, knowing that Jun wouldn’t remember a thing the next day. He knew how things stood between them - when daylight came, and Jun was sober, they were only good friends. 

But Jun was different now. Had been for some time, even before he started going out with Toma. And that was when things started to get confusing. Like waking up with Jun practically in his arms, or Jun no longer making grand gestures to make up for the many ways he might have let Ohno down, or Jun being more attentive and choosing _not_ to let him down in the first place, instead. 

He had always known how things stood between them, and he knew all the things that he wasn’t even yet able to admit to himself, but he was confused. It was as if even though he knew that the day had to come sooner or later, and he had prepared for it, it still took him by surprise. This was the Jun that Nino and Aiba used to know, he realised. The one that had been lost for so very long, and was only starting to find his way back. This Jun was puzzling because he didn’t need looking after, and he was calm and aloof (and yet somehow gentler and warmer), and he didn’t pick fights with Ohno. Instead, Jun seemed to always be laughing at him for something, and it unnerved him.

They usually went back together after long hours at the studio, but that night he wanted some space to think, so he said that he wanted to go by himself.

“I wanted to talk about something, though,” Jun said. He looked upset. He’d been a little strange since morning, really, but Ohno thought that he didn’t know _this_ Jun as much as the old one, so perhaps it wasn’t that strange.

“If it isn’t something you can tell me now, maybe at home, later? I’ll wait up for you.”

“But -”

“I’ll wait up for you.”

“Okay.” Jun’s reluctance was obvious, but the vocalist realised that Ohno would not be swayed. 

That was how Ohno ended up waiting for everyone else to leave the studio before walking out himself. He stopped by some of the other studios to talk to friends - Ryuta’s band was rehearsing for something and Nino was there, horsing around, so Ohno joined in for a couple of minutes. When he reached the lobby, and passed by the receptionist, she called out to him.

“Ohno-san!”

“Hmm?” He didn’t even realise that she knew his name. But then again, he supposed he’d passed by the area more than enough times for her to notice. 

“You have someone waiting for you.”

She passed him a note and pointed him out to the person. He frowned; he didn’t recognise the guy at all. Still, he thanked the receptionist and walked towards the man, bowing slightly. “I’m Ohno Satoshi.”

The man smiled. “Thank you for meeting me, really.”

“Uh, no... I just happened to be out late...” He scratched the back of his head lightly.

“I’m Ikuta Toma.”

“I don’t know... you’re Jun’s boyfriend?” His voice was raised in surprise, causing Ikuta to look around nervously. “But Jun already left. Did he know you were coming?”

“Actually,” Ikuta said, “I’m here to see you.”

})i({

Ikuta was everything Jun said he was. Ohno thought that he should be glad, because he believed that this man really could make Jun happy. It was just a little unexpected, perhaps. He had had his doubts now and then, but until that moment, a part of him had always believed that no matter what happened, Jun would return to him in the end. It was the way things had always been.

But Jun was different now, and Ikuta would be good for him. 

“Are you alright, Ohno-san?”

He smiled, but it felt a little forced. “I’m fine. It’s just been a tiring day, that’s all.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Ikuta actually looked distressed. “I didn’t mean to keep you; you probably wanted to go home right away...”

“No, it’s okay. I’m glad to have finally met you. Jun talks about you all the time.” _Only when I ask him, though._

“He talks about you, too. All of you, really. Non-stop. I think he really loves you guys.”

His smile was more sincere, then. “We love him, too.”

Toma eyed Ohno then, wondering if he was doing the right thing. “The thing is, Ohno-san, I like Jun.”

“Hmm.” Ohno didn’t know how to respond to that; of course Ikuta liked Jun. _Everyone_ liked Jun, didn’t they? And Ikuta wouldn’t have dated Jun in the first place, if he didn’t. 

“I’m sure he’s told you that we’re not really serious right now, but I think, given time, we could be.”

Frowning at that, Ohno asked, “what do you mean?” He thought Jun and Toma were doing well.

“There’s someone else who’s really important in his life right now. Isn’t that always the case? That’s why I’m here now. I want to know if I should just give up, or wait it out.”

Ohno let out a small laugh, and then stopped, surprised by the bitterness of the sound. “And why are you asking me that?”

“Aren’t you the one closest to him, who knows him the most?”

 _That’s not true_ , Ohno wanted to say. _Not anymore, at least._ Jun was different. He supposed it didn’t matter, because Jun was still Jun, but he no longer knew what to expect from the younger man. He could no longer guess at Jun’s thoughts and feelings the way he used to be able to do. 

He just shrugged, not agreeing, but not disagreeing, either. He thought of what Ikuta said, about how his relationship with Jun only needed time. Perhaps time was what was wrong with his own relationship with Jun. He couldn’t regret that, though - he was fortunate to have met Jun at a time when Jun needed him the most, even if it meant he would lose in other ways. 

“Aiba and Jun are just friends,” he said, carefully. “Maybe there are some feelings left, maybe they find it easy to turn to each other when things get bad. But they’re just friends. Jun’s... believe me, if he wasn’t over Aiba, I don’t think he’d be going out with you. Either way, I don’t think you have to worry. Aiba’s in love with someone else. Even if he’s too stubborn to admit it,” he concluded, mumbling the last sentence, like he was talking to himself.

Toma brows furrowed as he digested Ohno’s words. “But it’s not Aiba-san that I was worried about.” As Ohno’s look turn to one of surprise, he clarified, “it’s you.”

Ohno’s smile was slow, and pained, but definite. “I don’t think that’s something you have to worry about, either. We’re just friends.”

“It doesn’t sound that way, when he talks about you.”

“Maybe it’s just because we knew each other so well,” Ohno said in response, even as he wondered what Jun would be saying about him. “We’re really just friends.”

Toma didn’t look convinced, but after awhile accepted Ohno’s words. They went back to small talk after that, before deciding that it was time to leave.

“Ikuta-kun,” Ohno said softly, as they were about to part.

“Yes?”

“Please take care of him.”

The smile that appeared on Ikuta’s face right then was bright, and Ohno saw a hint of amusement in his eyes. “I should be the one saying that to you,” he said, before lifting a hand in a small wave, and turning to leave.

})i({

When Aiba returned to the green room, Nino was missing. He brushed away the slight annoyance he felt; he supposed Nino must have forgotten that they had plans that evening. Or Ryuta had suddenly appeared with another brilliant idea and the two of them were off doing god knows what; Aiba was happy that Nino was clearly happy with Ryuta, but they tired him out sometimes with the way they always felt the need to one up each other musically, and only take breaks to work on something together.

He was about to leave when he noticed the simple package with his name on it. Recognising the handwriting, he picked it up to take a closer look. _Happy Birthday_ , was all it said. His birthday was a couple of days away, but it wasn’t the first time someone decided to give him his gift earlier, just so that there was some space between receiving his birthday and Christmas presents. Unwrapping it, he found a guitar strap - he had been complaining that he always forgot that he wanted a new one when he was out, just a few weeks ago - in a pretty shade that went well with the second-hand sea-green bass that he still used during lives, sometimes. 

_Sho_ , he thought, as he hurried out of the room to where the singer was.

})i({

Sho was in the studio by himself, going through some papers Yamanaka-san had dug up while trying to stall Sho’s impending hiatus, when the door burst open.

“What’s the meaning of this?” Aiba demanded, holding out the guitar strap. He was flushed from the run up to Sho’s studio.

“It’s a birthday gift,” Sho said. “I’m pretty sure you’ve received them before.”

“Why?”

“Because you said you needed one. Because I wanted to get you something. Are you upset that I got you a gift?”

“It’s not about the gift. It’s just...” Aiba stepped in, and closed the door. “Why do you have to be so goddamned _nice_ all the time?”

Frowning, Sho said, “I don’t understand.”

“I broke up with you, and I didn’t even do it nicely. And now you’re giving me a birthday present.”

Sho still didn’t follow. “Are you saying that you don’t want a present because you broke up with me?”

“ _It’s not about the present_.”

“Because it’s not like I’m any better. I broke up with you first.”

“It’s not just that. You still treat me like - I don’t know, like I can’t do anything by myself, sometimes. This morning, when you split the cereal, you purposely gave me the bowl that had more cereal, didn’t you?”

“You didn’t want the cereal?” Sho was starting to get really confused. What was Aiba so worked up about? Not that he was complaining about the fact Aiba was there; he was actually trying to work up the resolve to go down and make Aiba agree to have a real talk for once. However, the way Aiba was now... he didn’t know if a talk would help if he couldn’t understand a thing.

“When we walk across the parking lot you’d walk on the side where the cars would be coming, and you always reached the doors before me to hold them open.”

“I don’t -”

“You still call up my mom now and then because you knew I didn’t want to tell her that we’re not talking, _again_ , and you got hard-to-come-by live tickets for Yuu-chan.”

“Just because we’re not -”

“You’re avoiding your family and cutting out a very important part of who you are just because you want to be here, just because you made a stupid promise when we were kids that you’ll never leave RedShift completely.”

“That’s not -”

“I’m the one who hurt you, and yet you’re always careful with me at the studio, like you don’t want to upset me, and you didn’t say anything about Jun even though you’d usually be mad I kept something like that from you.”

“ _Aiba_ -”

“And now you’re giving me a birthday present, even though you know most people only gave me presents for Christmas, and I don’t know why, because -”

“Because _I love you_ , okay?” Sho’s voice rang out loudly in the empty studio, effectively silencing Aiba. But Sho wasn’t done. “I was going to find you, because I was talking to Suzuki today and he asked me why we weren’t together anymore, and I didn’t know why. I need to know why. And I do all that I do because I can’t switch my feelings on and off the way you seem to do; even if you don’t care anymore, it doesn’t mean how I feel about you will end.”

“I _do_ care,” Aiba replied quietly, his earlier turbulence fading away. “But I can’t live like that, Sho-chan.”

“Can you tell me why, at least? The truth, this time.”

“I don’t know. I’m just tired. I’m tired of trying to be the person you used to love, and I’m tired of failing to be him. I’m tired of you doing so much for me when I have nothing to give you back.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Sho said, his voice sharp. “You’re fine just the way you are.”

“You don’t even know me, Sho-chan. Not who I am now.”

“I know that it’s impossible for anyone to be sad or tired when they see you smile. I know that you always mean well, even though sometimes that could lead to disaster. I know that you’re stubborn and selfish and you never think things through sometimes, but that’s okay, because you’re also not scared to admit it when you’re wrong and you always try to fix things afterwards. I know that you’re also kinder than you think, and more generous, although it embarrasses you when people tell you that. I know that no matter who you were, or are now, or will be, I’ll always feel the same about you.”

There was a long silence following Sho’s speech, as the two stared at each other. It was almost like they were _really_ seeing each other for the first time. 

Then, “Aiba.”

“What.”

“Do you love me?”

Aiba wanted to laugh at the question, but couldn’t. “You know the answer to that.”

“No, I don’t.”

It was the first time he heard Sho sound so unsure of himself. Aiba hated it, and hated that he had caused it. “ _Of course_ I love you. Idiot. That doesn’t change anything, though.”

“That changes everything.” Aiba shook his head, but Sho persisted. “Tell me what I can do to change your mind. I’ll do anything.”

Sho really would do anything, Aiba knew. But there was only one thing he wanted - for Sho to be free. Of him, of all the things he represented. “Then... be selfish.”

“What?”

“Be selfish. Do what you want, whatever it is. Stop chasing after me, stop trying to take care of me, stop using me as a reason not to do something. Quit all of this, if that’s what you want. Go see your dad, take care of your brother. Do all the things you were supposed to do, that you wanted to do, before you met me.”

Before Sho could reply, there was a loud knock on the door. “Sakurai-san, are you in there?”

“I’m here, An-chan,” Sho called back out. “I’ll see you in my green room in a bit.”

The door opened. An-chan looked grave, and sad, that Sho had guessed what she was about to say before she could say it.

“I’m afraid this can’t wait. It’s about your father.”


	9. Nine: This Love Isn't Good Unless It's Me and You

Nino was on the way home. He and Ryuta came up with a lot of things for fun, but they were starting to think that their new song was more than that. They were going to make a proper demo of it, with companion songs (perhaps a solo by each of them), to present to the company. It was definitely something he could see himself getting into in the future.

Something other than RedShift. Not that he was tired of his band, but he had been tied to it since his school days. It was nice to have something different. Something that was just his own.

He was trying to guess at the reactions of his band mates when his phone rang. Checking the caller ID, he frowned. Aiba had wanted to talk about something the other day, he remembered, but never did. And he had been too preoccupied with Ryuta and their new project to ask. “Aiba? I’m on my way home now, so we can talk then.”

“What?” Aiba sounded distracted. “Oh, that was nothing. Nino, I’m still at Voyager, with Sho. Can you come back?”

“Why, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. It’s Sho.” Aiba paused for a moment, lowering his voice. “It’s his father.”

})i({

Jun was waiting when he reached home. As Ohno hung his coat, he mentally added that to the list of things he wasn’t used to.

“For someone who said ‘I’ll wait up for you’, you sure came home pretty late,” Jun remarked.

“I didn’t think you’d rush back immediately,” Ohno replied, defensive. 

“I told you I wanted to talk.”

“Yeah, you and everyone else,” Ohno said under his breath. Why were everyone so damned talkative that day? It was tiring him out.

“I heard that, you know,” Jun muttered back, not being subtle about maneuvering Ohno into the living room.

“What is it that’s so important that you have to tell me?” Ohno asked, amused by the way Jun was acting, and by the sight greeting him on the dinner table. _I guess one thing will never change._

Now that he had Ohno in the living area, Jun didn’t know where to begin. For some reason when he was envisioning their talk he never got past this moment. What was he supposed to say, he wondered. “Oh-chan,” he started. “I know I’ve never said it before, but I know you’ve been taking care of me for a long time now, and I’m grateful for that.”

While there is a small part of him that was pleased by Jun’s words, for the most part Ohno started to feel dread. He wasn’t sure if he was going to like where this was going. “I didn’t do anything special,” he said warily.

“I was talking with Toma yesterday and he said that I still needed to get over someone before we could even think of being more serious about seeing each other, and -”

“I told him that he shouldn’t worry about Aiba,” Ohno said, hoping to reassure Jun. He couldn’t bring himself to say that Toma had his doubts about them, though.

“You met him?”

Nodding, Ohno explained, “he came by to talk to me today. That’s why I was late.”

“Oh. Well. The thing is, he isn’t completely wrong. I spent all day thinking about what he said, and maybe it’s true that I’m over Aiba. I needed it to be over for real, and he had given me that. I’ve always thought that the reason I couldn’t fully commit to anyone before was because I was still holding on to him, and maybe it was true at first, but it’s not anymore. It hasn’t been true in awhile, because there’s someone else in my life that I probably should have paid attention to earlier.” Jun knew that he was rambling and might not be making sense, but he was embarrassed and scared and wanted to get his words out as soon as he could. “Maybe because you’ve always been around so I never questioned it, but after all these years you’ve really started to grow on me or something, and maybe I realised it when you were mad at me about the whole Aiba thing and I didn’t want you to be mad at me or think badly of me at all because I don’t know what I would’ve done if you weren’t there and that really made me think - are you listening to me?”

Ohno was starting to peak into the covered dishes on the table. But at Jun’s question, he turned. “I’m listening.”

“Okay. Um. Well, hear me out before you say anything, okay? I don’t know when it started or how it got to be the way it is, but -” Jun paused here, wondering if he should continue. Ohno’s expression wasn’t revealing much, so he had no idea how the older man would take it. Taking a deep breath, he told himself that it was probably best if he went on, because he probably never would otherwise. “I think I love you.”

“I know.”

“I think I’m in love with you. I hope that you’re not mad or upset over this, I know I’ve been a nuisance and am being an even bigger one now but - what?”

Ohno smiled. It wasn’t a particularly “happy” or “overjoyed” smile; just a content one, one that Jun had only seen when Ohno was at a live or on the rare days he went fishing with the drummer. “I know.”

“But how can you know? I’ve only just realised it, myself.”

“Because I know you best.” Ohno’s smile was teasing this time.

“Then why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you needed to realise it for yourself. To tell the truth, that was one thing I wasn’t sure you’ll ever do. You could have gone through your whole life not realising.”

Jun could easily imagine that - with Ohno always by his side, it was easy not to think too deeply about the exact feelings behind his attachment to the drummer. It was scary, though, the idea that he might never have discovered or acknowledged what they really had. 

It was then that he remembered that Ohno hadn’t really said whether or not he felt the same. A fresh wave of nervousness rolled through him as he faced Ohno, feeling more vulnerable than he had felt in a long time. “Did you know what you were going to do, when I finally realised?”

For just a brief moment, there was a strange glint in Ohno’s eyes, like he was contemplating something he found really amusing (probably designed to torture him, Jun thought), but instead he said, “tell you I loved you back, of course.” Jun looked like he didn’t believe the older man, so Ohno continued, “I wouldn’t have stuck around if I didn’t love you. Nobody would have.”

“Have I really been that bad?”

“No, not really.” Ohno stepped closer then, enough for Jun to reach out for him, which the vocalist did. “I had my own things to work out. I didn’t know if you’d ever realise, and I knew it wouldn’t be a good idea to push it on you when you weren’t ready for a new relationship. And then Toma came along and I started to think maybe I should just let it go, because he could’ve made you happy.”

“I’m sorry I took so long,” Jun murmured, bending over as if to kiss the drummer, but stopping midway. “A lot of things could have been avoided, if we had this conversation sooner.”

“A lot of things would be missed out on, too,” Ohno said, reaching up for Jun at first, but then thinking better of it and pushing away. “You have to talk with Toma, first.”

Jun looked troubled at the prospect, but knew that Ohno was right. “I’ll see him tomorrow, so –” he paused, startled, when his phone rang. Picking it up, he asked, “Nino?”

“I’ll call you later for details, but we’re not going into the studio tomorrow. Something came up.”

})i({

RedShift’s activities were temporarily suspended, because Sho had to return home to arrange for his father’s funeral. It was hard enough to do so with the knowledge that he hadn’t gone to visit his father even once, but when he added trying to organise everything without gaining any media attention was almost too much for him. He didn’t know why he felt so numb, and shocked, despite the fact that he had known the day was coming for a long time. In fact, it had been months since the doctors said his father had “weeks” left, so he should have been more prepared. _But how could anyone prepare themselves for something like this?_ he thought.

The wake was held on the 23rd, an “unlucky” day for those who were superstitious, but one that brought comfort for those grieving. Sho’s mother had wanted to make the funeral that day, but they weren’t able to. Sho supposed that the following day, one for “great peace”, was not a bad one, considering. He wished that it didn’t coincide with other things, though.

As he felt Aiba fall in step with him, he said quietly, “you shouldn’t be here. It’s your birthday.”

Aiba’s hand slipped into his, comforting. “Did you really think I can be anywhere else right now?”

It was already towards the end of the ceremony, and they were in the back, watching guests line up to place flowers in the casket before it would be brought to the crematorium. No one paid attention to them, although he wouldn’t have cared even if they did. His fingers curled around Aiba’s, feeling the borrowed strength seeping into him as he leaned, just slightly, towards the bassist.

“I didn’t think I’d feel this way.”

“I know.” Aiba saw Sho’s brother turning to look at them, but quickly looking away when he saw Aiba had noticed. Sho’s sister hadn’t been able to come down in time for the funeral, but she said she had booked a flight back to Japan for the following week. “It’s okay.”

_Thank you_ , Sho wanted to say, but the words couldn’t come. As Aiba nudged him further to the back, where Nino and Michiyo were talking, though, he thought that Aiba had heard him anyway.

})i({

Nino and Michiyo had left earlier with the other mourners, but Aiba stayed behind until Sho was done with the bone-picking ceremony. Sho’s mother didn’t want Aiba around, but Aiba took the keys to Sho’s car and waited there. He sat in silence as the hours passed by, and Sho finally opened the door and slid into the seat next to him.

“I’ve been thinking,” Sho said, “about what I want to do. About what I _really_ want to do.”

Aiba didn’t say a thing.

“Before I met you, and Nino, I never had any questions about my future. I was going to take after my father. I wasn’t close to him. I didn’t even know him well enough to _like_ him. But he was the only father I’d ever known, and so I was going to take after him. It wasn’t like there was anything else I wanted to do more.”

“You can still do that,” Aiba said, reaching for Sho’s hands again, to give them a comforting squeeze. _Support_ , Aiba thought, even though the thought of a future where he no longer had Sho near him wasn’t one he liked to contemplate. _I could at least give him that much_. Sho had spent too many years supporting him.

“But dreams change. I love music. Even if we had never gotten together, I probably would have chosen this path. I’ve thought about this, in the last couple of days, and I keep coming to the same conclusion. I wouldn’t mind taking over my father’s company. It’s no longer what I wanted for myself, but if I had to do it, it wouldn’t be completely a terrible thing. It’s just that I love what I do now more. I love RedShift more. And I love you the most.”

Aiba swallowed, and tried to pull away, but Sho’s grip on him tightened. “I _told_ you -”

“You told me to be selfish. Didn’t you? Well, I’m being selfish now. I want you back. I don’t care if everything else goes to hell, I just want you. Dreams change, Aiba. Is it really so difficult to think that maybe the thing that would make me happiest is you?”

“But -”

“If you say that you don’t love me anymore, then I won’t chase after you. I won’t do things I don’t want to, just because of you. But I’m not giving you up. Not now.” Sho let go of Aiba’s hand. “I’ll have to take over my father’s company, at least temporarily, until my brother’s old enough. I’ll still be with RedShift in the meantime, although I’ll put my solo work on hold. I think I want to join RedShift again, like Nino suggested. And I want you back. I’m tired, and I’m still numb from everything that’s happening. Right now that’s all I can think of - that even if I get everything else it won’t mean a thing if it’s not you by my side, and I want you back.”

There was a long pause; Aiba could almost feel the silence stretching between them: a distance. It was like there was an invisible chord between them, he thought, connected by paper cups, and they were always talking to each other through that, and they’re always getting everything wrong and trying to cut the strings that held them together, but they couldn’t. That connection was stronger than either of them. They could decide on their distance, or they could decide on concentrating on hearing each other better, but there would always be that pull between them.

“Okay,” he said.

Sho’s surprised look almost made him laugh; did Sho really think that he was going to say no, after all that? 

“Okay,” he said. “If that’s what you really, really, want, then... okay.” He leaned over, close enough to speak in the idol’s ears, “you have me. But this is one Christmas gift that you can’t ever return, okay?”


	10. Epilogue: I Will Always Feel the Same

**OHNO**

Sho had thought of rescheduling their dinner, or at least not going, but Nino had put his foot down at that. “It’s just a couple of hours. Surely it’s okay for you to see some friends for a couple of hours?” Nino had asked, and he was right, because it wasn’t every day that Sugimoto would be able to be there. Not that Ohno actually knew Sugimoto, despite the fact that he had heard of the ex-drummer often enough from Aiba that he felt as if he did. Which was why he, Nino and Aiba were frantic getting dinner ready (well, Aiba was frantic; he didn’t do much other than set the table, while most of what Nino did was complain as he assisted).

They had told the others to come at around seven, and they were only barely ready by 6:45 when Sho and Jun arrived. Aiba met them at the door, and gave Sho a long greeting that made Nino’s complaints louder, while Jun inched around them to get inside. He stopped when he saw Ohno by the table.

“Hi,” he said, looking down, suddenly shy. As if he hadn’t just said goodbye to Ohno earlier in the day. He had managed to end things on a good note with his now-ex, and Jun had gone that morning for a last talk with Toma.

“Hi,” Ohno said in return, simultaneously amused and concerned by Jun’s newfound reticence.

It was definitely strange. They had been so comfortable with each other. They’ve lived with each other for years. They’ve grown very close, and could probably regard each other as best friends by now. They were used to going out together for dinner or movies or lives, watching television together at home, or just hanging out and talking. It wasn’t anything new to them. And yet, everything felt different now. Ohno knew this, because he felt it too, but he didn’t think it was something to think too much about. Jun, on the other hand, seemed to be having trouble getting used to the fact that things had changed between them.

“You’re doing it wrong,” Jun suddenly said. Ohno just gave him a blank look, and he explained, “the cutleries. Here, let me show you.” He had worked in some hotel’s restaurant once, for almost a year, and the things he had learned then was still deeply embedded in him. It was only after he spoke up that he seemed to realize what he was doing, though, and he looked slightly flustered as he took the cutlery from Ohno to demonstrate.

Ohno’s hand covered Jun’s, to reassure the younger man, but it only caused Jun to drop the cutlery on the table. The clanging noise caused Aiba’s voice to waft in, “what’s going on in there?” Nino seemed to have given up whatever he was doing, and was firing up his Wii in a sulk. Ohno’s hand quickly took Jun’s before the younger man could pick up the dropped items.

“Calm down,” Ohno said, smiling. “There’s nothing to be nervous about.”

“I’m not nervous,” Jun said, indignant.

“Uh huh.” Ohno’s smile widened. “We haven’t even kissed yet, you know.” That wasn’t true, of course – Jun had kissed Ohno, more times than Jun probably remembered, although they hadn’t done anything since they both laid their feelings out in the open. Jun’s ears were growing warm – Ohno could see the tips getting red.

Maybe he should just put the vocalist out of his misery, he thought, but he was enjoying himself too much. He leaned closer, and just when it seemed like he was going to tilt his head up to invite a kiss, his hand left Jun’s to give the man a pat on the shoulder, and walked past the vocalist. “Finish up for me, okay? Since you know how to set the table properly and all.” Not that Nino or Aiba knew or cared if Ohno was doing it wrong.

})i({

**JUN**

He loved Aiba and admired Sho, but Jun found them exceedingly annoying that night. He knew that Sho was having a rough time, and that it was Christmas that day, but did the two really had to be so maddeningly cute with each other? As the rest of the guests arrived – Sugimoto and his wife Ai-chan, Suzuki and his girlfriend Miyuki, and Cloud Chorus’s vocalist, Ryuta – they had started to separate and mingle, but were always glancing at each other and gravitating back to each other before being pulled back away in conversation with someone else. Why weren’t things as easy between him and Ohno?

He didn’t know why it was so difficult, but it was. All of a sudden every little thing seemed to carry with them a different meaning, every gesture precious in one way or another. He had always been at ease with Ohno, but now he was suddenly too aware of the drummer for comfort. Something as light as an accidental touch could send his head spinning, and he wasn’t used to being affected by so casual a thing. When Ohno had suddenly leaned towards him, his heartbeat went erratic and he started to feel lightheaded. He wondered if Ohno noticed the way his other hand, the one Ohno hadn’t been holding, was gripping the top of the nearest dining chair for support. Ohno, who had always been just Ohno to him, was suddenly turning into some _weak-kneed lovesick person_ , and the thought wasn’t just disturbing; it was infuriating.

“ _Somebody_ ’s getting all dreamy and _in lurrrve_ ,” Nino’s voice rang out from behind him, causing him to jerk in surprise before turning to face the other guitarist.

“Damn it, Nino, stop sneaking up behind people’s backs like that,” he said.

“I wasn’t sneaking. You’re the one staring into space.” Jun was about to retort when Ryuta came over. 

“Nino, stop bothering the nice man and join us,” he said, sounding serious, but he was grinning at the both of them.

“Spoilsport,” Nino said to Ryuta, forgetting Jun as he followed his boyfriend back to where Sugimoto was telling Aiba about how he had ended up opening a restaurant with Ai-chan.

“You okay?”

Jun turned to his other side, where Sho had crept up now. What was with people creeping up on him that night, he wondered. Sho looked like he was asking in earnest, though, so he let it go.

“I’m fine,” he said. “I should be the one asking you that, really. Thanks for giving me a ride today.”

“No problem. It was a good coincidence that I happened to see you when I was picking up the cake. What were you doing in that area, anyway?”

“I went to meet… a friend,” Jun said slowly. He didn’t know how much Sho knew about him and Ohno, since the idol was preoccupied with his own problems.

“A friend.”

“Yeah.”

“Like Aiba?”

Jun thought about what he had thought of as a long, complicated relationship with Aiba, and Aiba’s own long and (even more) complicated relationship with Sho. It was strange how things seemed so simple now when it’s over. Aiba was his first love, but not his last.

He had been so sure of himself when he was with Aiba, so sure that he could get the bassist to love him back, one day. So sure that he wouldn’t care, even if Aiba never did, because the important thing was that he did all he could. Now that he thought about it, he might have been more attracted to the sadness that Aiba had carried with him, and to the idea that he could have been the one to take it away. With Ohno, it was the first time he felt like he didn’t have the upper hand, because he cared too much and didn’t know how to deal with everything he was feeling. It was as if the whole time he had been building up his feelings for Ohno, storing them away where he himself wouldn’t notice, until the door burst open and they were overflowing and too much for him to handle.

It wasn’t something he could explain to Sho, so he said, “yes, exactly like Aiba.” Someone perhaps not meant to be his, but was important anyway, because they would lead him to Ohno.

Sho just nodded, before giving him an encouraging smile and asking him to join the rest of them.

Ohno was definitely enjoying his discomfort, Jun soon realized. The drummer would act completely normal, as if they were still just friends who shared a home, before dropping an ambiguous word or sentence that could be interpreted as something else, causing Jun’s face to heat up. And then there was the little touches, seemingly innocent, like the act of passing the photo album from Suzuki’s travels to him – except he would let his fingers linger, and trail, before completely pulling away. And then there was the way he picked up the small, savoury snacks on the tray before them and tilted his head back to slowly nibble on them, licking his lips where the crumbs fell and exclaiming their deliciousness in an almost breathless voice that even got Aiba staring in incomprehension (while Nino hid his face in Ryuta’s shirt to contain his laughter) – damn that Sugimoto and his stupid finger foods, Jun thought as he looked down, turned slightly away, pulling the throw pillow behind him and settling it on his lap, trying to say or do anything _but_ dragging Ohno home and - _no_ , he thought. He wasn’t going to even let himself _think_ it.

When Ohno excused himself to wash his hands, Jun breathed out in no small relief. Five minutes later, Ohno still hadn’t returned. Then Sho, in a wide-eyed, innocent look that he must have learned from Aiba, asked Jun for a glass of water. Jun glared and would tell Sho to get it himself, but Aiba had smiled happily at him, putting an arm around Sho, and Jun sighed in resignation.

He walked straight to the sink as soon as he passed the archway that led to the kitchen. Ohno was still in front of the sink, looking out the window. Thinking that the drummer looked like he was in deep thought, Jun placed the glasses on the counter next to the sink, debating on how to get Ohno to move without actually interacting with the other man. That was when Ohno, in one swift move, grabbed his arm and maneuvered him to lean against the sink, before pressing close and pulling Jun down for their lips to meet, stopping when they were only a breath apart, eyes looking into Jun’s questioningly. “Jun?”

The slight hesitance, barely noticeable, reassured Jun somewhat. Ohno was probably just as lost as him as to how to move on, and where to. This was entirely new to both of them, the change in their relationship. Eyes still locked on Ohno’s, his hand went up to brush lightly at the drummer’s hair, glad that it wasn’t smothered in product that day, the way it usually was. Ohno remained still, watching, waiting for him to make the next move. When he finally lowered his mouth to meet Ohno’s, everything changed again. This should have been familiar, he thought. Ohno should have been familiar. But casual, playful pecks and drunken kisses and friendly touches hadn’t been enough to prepare him for the jolt that went through him as his lips teased the drummer’s to part.

The kiss tasted like mint and lemon and salmon and a hint of spice and again Jun thought, _damn Sugimoto and his finger food_ , because he was going to be reminded of Ohno every time he ate those things now. He told himself that this was Ohno, but rather than calming him down the thought only put another dizzying wave through him. When he finally drew back, his eyes sought Ohno’s again. It was hard to contain the pleasure he felt from seeing how the drummer’s eyes had darkened, clouded over. 

His breathing still uneven, Ohno closed his eyes, and let his head rest against Jun. “I guess I know now why they always fall for you,” he murmured, referring to Jun’s flirtations throughout the years. Jun stiffened.

“This is different,” he said. “You know that, don’t you?”

“Mmm,” Ohno said, content. “I had a feeling.” He lifted his head, and slowly pushed away, creating a small distance between them before asking, “are you okay now?”

“This thing happening between us,” Jun said. “It’s so sudden.” It scared him to think of how much Ohno mattered to him, how much he didn’t want to ruin what they had.

“It’s not sudden,” Ohno said, taking Jun’s hand in his. “You just never paid attention, that’s all.” He smiled. “But we can take our time, if you want.”

“Actually...” Jun’s hand curled in response, and used their connected hands to pull Ohno back to him, “let’s try this again.”

})i({

**NINO**

“Jun’s taking an awfully long time to get my drink,” Aiba commented. “What?” he asked Nino, who suddenly snorted in laughter. Suzuki rolled his eyes at the both of them, but was too busy answering Ai-chan’s questions about the new indie label he started to get into Aiba and Nino’s conversation.

“Nothing,” Nino said, with as straight a face as he could manage. “I don’t think anyone wants to go into the kitchen right now, though.”

“The kitchen? Speaking of which, how long does it take for a person to wash... oh,” Aiba said, finally understanding. “ _Oh_.”

Even as a smile started to spread on his best friend’s face, Nino’s thoughts went back months ago when it seemed like it was impossible for all of them to be together and get along, the way they were. His own relationship with Aiba had definite changes, although he thought that it was probably for the better. They had been too close, and he had turned a blind eye where Aiba was concerned, preferring to ignore his best friend’s mistakes only blow up when it got too much, instead of calling him on it the way he probably should have. And he had always been trying to avoid Aiba getting hurt, not realising that the fact that he had been so emotionally sheltered was not necessarily a good thing. He remembered when he was a lot younger, when his sister had commented on how he should allow Aiba to make his own mistakes, and learn from it. 

In the end, that had been Nino’s own mistake, one that took him years to learn.

He glanced at Ryuta, who was in an animated conversation with Sugimoto. Ryuta’s eyes met his over the coffee table and for some inexplicable reason Nino felt like they just _twinkled_ at him. As if the delusion wasn’t bad enough, there was the way his heartbeat sped up at the sight. He must be going insane, he thought. How else was he supposed to explain how soft inside Ryuta made him feel at times? 

Not that he would _ever_ admit it to anyone, of course. Not even to Aiba or Kazuki, whom he was starting to become close friends with. _Especially_ not Kazuki.

The song they were working on was solid, he thought, satisfied. The company had called earlier that day to inform them that the demo would be passed to Yamanaka-san, who would decide what to do with it. Since Yamanaka-san was one of the top producers in Voyager, and Nino already knew him pretty well, he took it to mean that it was as good as done - he and Ryuta would have a side project in the coming season. 

Sure, it would mean that he’d be working doubly hard and have less time to himself and the dynamics between him and Ryuta might be altered, if just a little, if they became partners and invested on something that meant so much to both of them, together. To him, who even now still balked at the idea of putting his happiness in someone else’s hands, it should have been too much of a commitment. 

But he did entrust his world, or at least a certain part of it, to Ryuta, and every day he was finding that it hadn’t been so bad after all. 

Wasn’t it funny, he thought, the changes and sharp turns that life made people make sometimes. Some people’s roads might end up full of bumps and they lose their way only to find that they’ve been on the right track all along, while others choose long, hard roads only to find that what they needed was all the way back where they had started from. He was the kind who never liked to think about the future, and what it might bring, but his own road had led him to a pretty good place to be.

 _At least for now_ , he thought to himself. _Just for now._ When Sugimoto, assisted by Ai-chan, started telling them a funny story that made Ryuta throw his head back in laughter, Nino held his breath to suppress the flutter he felt.

Maybe, he thought, just maybe, he would want to be in this place a little longer.

})i({

**AIBA**

Jun and Ohno. Aiba tried to wrap his head around the idea, warming up to it. It was perfect, he realised. He didn’t know why he hadn’t noticed it before, the way those two had been dancing around each other for the last few years. Ohno was right. He never really thought about the lives of others outside of what they shared with him. That was changing, though. It had changed.

He still didn’t know why Sho would choose him, but it no longer mattered. That Sho was his - perhaps that was the important thing. That Sho was happy, even more so.

_This is one Christmas gift you can’t ever return, okay?_

Even now he could feel a slow warmth settling in him as he thought back of his words, and pure relief he had felt as Sho asked a similar question. They spent hours in the car, finally airing out all the things that worried them, all the things they wished for. There were so many things that they tried to keep to themselves, he knew now. So many things they ought to have shared earlier.

It wouldn’t be easy for them, he knew. Sho would continue to be popular, hiatus or no. Once it hit the news that he was joining RedShift as an official member, there was no doubt that RedShift’s sales would increase even more, as would their fame. A part of him worried about that, whether the band would be able to handle the jump - it seemed like it hadn’t been so long ago when they were still an indie band with only one record to their name, that they released themselves. And as the band became bigger, finding time to be together would be even more difficult. Not to mention keeping everything a secret. And there would be rumours to contend with, jealousies and rivalries to curb and balance. 

That was not including all the problems a _normal_ relationship would have.

No, Aiba thought. It definitely wouldn’t be easy. But this time he had a feeling that they would be alright. They were reaching out for each other with their eyes open, and he knew that as long as he had Sho, all his hesitations and worries would melt away.

Nothing would mean anything if it wasn’t him, Sho had said. When there was something that one wanted, or needed, badly enough, everything else just faded into the background. Everything else were just noise. No matter how loud it got they would find a way to connect. Everything else were just obstacles that they knew they could overcome, if only they had each other. 

Aiba knew this now.

When Sho’s hands shot out towards the snacks Sugimoto had brought, again, Aiba tugged at the idol’s sleeves.

“What?” Sho asked.

“You shouldn’t ruin your appetite. We haven’t had dinner yet.”

“But everyone else were eating these, too.”

“Yeah, but everyone else ate one or two. That was your _sixth_ piece.”

“Ohno took a lot.” Sho picked up another piece from the tray. Before Sho could pop it into his mouth, though, his hands circled around the idol’s wrist, stalling. Then his other hand came up to pluck the snack from Sho’s hand, and eating it himself. “You just want it all for yourself,” Sho muttered. Aiba’s lips curved at the childishness of Sho’s tone. 

“We’ll have dinner in a bit,” he said to placate Sho, laughing a little when Sho actually pouted.

})i({

**SHO**

He was really hungry.

It should feel wrong to be enjoying himself only one day after his father’s funeral, but Sho couldn’t deny that he was. The room was loud with chatter and cross conversations and laughter and he thought that he was glad that he had found his way to this place. It was hard to appreciate it, though, when all that was there to eat were snacks that weren’t really very filling, despite what Aiba said about spoiling his appetite for dinner. 

Nino, as if inspired, suddenly came up with the idea of playing Rock Band together. As everyone else started to argue over who got to play what, Sho took the opportunity to walk out towards the balcony without anyone noticing. 

He had received the strangest Christmas gift that morning.

He had slept at his family’s home after the funeral, which was why he was so hungry now. Somehow he never had any appetite when he was there, so he had skipped breakfast, and only had half of a sandwich for lunch. But when he walked into the dining area, just to say he didn’t feel like breakfast, he found that there was no one there. There was an oddly wrapped package on the table, a present from his brother.

He hadn’t even really spoken to his brother ever since he left college, he realised.

The package contained a handmade book, delicately stitch-bound. To say that he was surprised would be an understatement; he never even knew that his brother was the kind of person who would enjoy making things like that. He never even knew that his brother still fostered a little spark in him, despite their mother’s attempts at molding him into her idea of the perfect son. And if the book itself was a surprise, the contents were even more so.

It was a scrap book, a collection of almost every thing that had ever been written about him. The good and the bad. The true stories, and the ones that didn’t even make sense. Everything, ever since the announcement of his debut. In between articles and pamphlets were ticket stubs for concerts, proofs of purchase for CDs and DVDs, together with handwritten personal reviews and reports. The way they were written, Sho doubted that his brother had intended to give the book to him when he started it. He wondered what made his brother decide to do so now.

His brother had been following his work, had been supporting him in silence all these years.

On the last page of the scrapbook was a picture from an idol magazine. He remembered that photo shoot. He hadn’t seen Aiba in a long time, but Aiba had been distant instead of welcoming. Still, it didn’t come out that way in the photographs. Sho’s brother had cut out one specific picture, one of just him and Aiba on a bench together, their expressions happier than Sho thought was possible for them at that time. It would have been easy to believe that they were in love, looking at the picture - perhaps that had been the intention. Fans loved that sort of thing.

His brother had framed the picture delicately in a collage of other pictures of him, or of Aiba, from various other magazines. A small piece of white paper underneath the main picture, with simple words written on it.

> Congratulations on everything. Good luck with everything. Most of all, be happy. Merry Christmas.

He supposed it was Shu’s way of saying he accepted, and maybe even approved, of Sho’s relationship with Aiba. Sho didn’t know what to think of that - he really hadn’t been close to his brother in a long time - but he was touched by the gesture.

“There you are. I’ve been looking for you.” He glanced over to see Aiba walking out, stopping next to him. “Here.”

Aiba had brought another one of Sugimoto’s snacks with him. For some reason he found it all too endearing. “Thanks.”

“Say ‘aah’,” Aiba said, grinning. Sho started to protest, but complied in the end, letting Aiba feed him. As he chewed, Aiba inched closer, although he didn’t do anything more than that. “Hey, Sho-chan, do you think RedShift will go far?”

})i({

_“Hey, Sho-chan, do you think RedShift will go far?”_

_Sho kept his eyes on Nino’s telescope, determined to find the star that Nino said would only be visible around that time._

_“Sho-chan, you’re not answering me.”_

_“Leave the guy alone, Aiba,” Nino said lazily, flipping through a book about collecting antique toys. He was the one who invited the other two for stargazing that night, but in the end he was the first to give up. “He’s searching for the impossible.”_

_“Nothing’s impossible,” Sho murmured. “Not if you look long enough. And I think RedShift will go as far as we’re willing to take the band.”_

_“That’s a really half-assed answer,” Nino remarked. “What if we’re not willing to take the band out of the studio where we practise?”_

_“Then that’s as far as we go,” Sho said. “It’s that simple. But, if you ask me...” he trailed off as something caught his eye. “I think I see it!” he exclaimed, excited. “It’s beautiful.”_

_“Really? Let me see, let me see!” Aiba hurried over to take a look. Everything seemed to slow down for a moment as their hands touched and Sho guided Aiba to where the star was. Then, pulling away, he looked at Nino self-consciously._

_“Aren’t you going to look?”_

_“After Aiba’s done, maybe.” Nino sat up, put his book aside. He then gave Sho a determined look. “We’re going all the way.”_

_“What?”_

_“RedShift. We’re going as far as we can. Aren’t we?”_

_Sho smiled. “Of course.”_

})i({

“Sho-chan?” Aiba’s head tilted questioningly when Sho didn’t immediately reply.

“We still have a long way to go,” Sho eventually said, as Jun’s voice rang out, calling them to dinner. “Come on, let’s go in.”

Hand in hand, they stepped back into the apartment, and everyone gathered around the dinner table. Sho looked at the people that surrounded him.

As they put their hands together to give thanks for the meal, Sho smiled. They were all there. RedShift past - Nino and Aiba, of course, but then also Sugimoto and Suzuki. And then him. RedShift present, with Jun and Ohno. And RedShift future, soon to be a five-piece band, with him being welcomed back to the fold. Soon he would be a RedShift member again. He couldn’t help but think of it as going back to where he had always belonged. 

Perhaps he had taken a different path than the one he would have chosen once, or would have wanted to choose, but it brought him back home all the same. 

“All the way” meant that there was still a long, long way to go.


End file.
